The sum of all my days is to love Him…

Well friends… It is official - I have been accepted to participate in a one month internship this summer with International House of Prayer (IHOP). I am extremely excited, excited falls short I think. God is so faithful, He is so gracious. He speaks a word out and it is fulfilled. Pray for me, financial deadline is this week… due to unforeseen circumstances I don’t have the money I thought I would to pay off most of the internship. God spoke to me about all of this though, so I’m not worried. Prayers are appreciated. Feel free to ask questions about the purpose of this month, I am very excited to share what it’s all about.

May God bless and keep all of you.

My eyes have been opened to a lot in the past couple of weeks. One thing must be said to sum of the days of late - God is sovereign, He is faithful. I’ve dived deeper and fallen harder, been completely torn to pieces by the God of all creations, and have entered into a restoration process of sorts. My heart has been rent - my heart has been completely shredded. Old mindsets, hidden bitterness, dormant idolatry has surfaced and been ripped away. The purging is not complete I fear - and yet, I am excited at the same time because this inevitable purging means that what God says in His word is without a doubt true. [But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.]

His faithfulness is beyond my comprehension - it stretches past the night skies and on into eternity past, eternity present, eternity to come… His lovingkindness towards me is starting to make more sense, although, I’m fairly certain it won’t all come together until I actually see Him in all His glory. In all seriousness though - through the refining fire, through the sanctification, God has showed me the beauty of pure love. I believe He is molding this blackened heart of mine - turning the stone into flesh - breathing life into the veins - aligning it’s beat to match His own. The reason I’ve started to comprehend a little bit better His lovingkindness, His endless mercy and pure, unadulterated LOVE is because I’ve been immersed in it, and I’m starting to walk in it.

I can be a pretty personable person. I can compliment and flatter up a tree. I can make a person walk away feeling warm and fuzzy and encouraged… but all of that is DROSS and will be burnt up in the end. Can I love? Can I love like He loves? He is making me to love like He loves. The judgment, the bitterness, the hurt, the offense that I used to walk in is being burnt burnt BURNT out of my life. He truly is a Healer. I reflected on the past week or two today and I noticed a shift in my own attitude, in my own way of thinking. I mean, where I am right now compared to where I was three years ago is an incredible testimony of God’s graciousness as it is - but these past couple of weeks I have started to feel alive in a new way.

There is TRUTH found in the practice of prayer. Steadfast prayer will accomplish much, I mean, even Jesus is an intercessor. I’ve been praying His love over me, that His love would change my heart and cause me to see people as He sees them - to love as He loves. It sounds like a cliche christian prayer, I know, but I think it’s one of the most powerful prayers I’ve ever prayed.

I am seeing people in a new light, I am viewing current relationships in a new, precious way. My heart is bursting right now as I think of the random conglomeration of people that have a hold on my heart. My beautiful Marcella - best friend and beloved sister in Christ, though she is 1600 miles away - is a constant joy and encouragement in my life. Her prayers have kept me afloat during the hard times. She’s just one of the many joys in my life. A more recent addition - Nathaniel Stephen. What a wonderful man of God! I am blessed by his presence in my life, by his constant encouragement and gentle rebuke. There are so many more. My enduring momma - she’s such a trooper, such a lover. My spiritual momma, Deborah Anne, constantly pushing me to love Jesus more, to be a better woman, a gentle spirited woman. My beautiful co-workers… so full of life and passion and most in desperate need of Jesus. They’re such a random bunch, but so incredibly full of hidden potential and beauty. And oh man, the random people I come in contact with every day at work - there’s Mickey… what a lover Mickey is! He’s had a hard life, but in his adulthood he found Jesus. His joy is CONTAGIOUS, his love for others is evident. God has been so good to Mickey, so gracious. Even those most hardened at work cannot help but love Mickey. Then there’s Paul. He’s been to Iraq twice, going back again in August for another year and a half… He’s definitely lost a part of himself fighting in this war - but he comes in every day, lost or found, just to feel the warmth of being surrounded by people I think. He is definitely searching for the love of Christ - he knows God is real and wants more of Him. There are so many others, I could go on…

The friends, the random people I come into contact with, the beautiful souls that fill up my days… it’s overwhelming lately. God is teaching me to cherish, to hold tight to each minute with these precious ones - for today could be the end, tomorrow might never come, heaven just may be calling me home tonight.

He’s teaching me the importance of love, but also what love actually means. To love is to submit. To love is to choose someone else over yourself. To love is to not have to justify your position on things, to not always have to be right. To love is to encourage and to pray for and to give without thought of any gain for yourself. The more you truly love, the more you give of yourself, of your possessions, of your time… and the less you require of others, the less you need. To discover the ultimate Love is to turn your back on any other paths to love - you realize, you don’t need any other route because you’ve already found what is GOOD, what is HOLY, what is PURE. To love is to walk in life without offense, in humility, with open ears and an open heart to being taught and rebuked and built up by those who love you in return. To love is to die, for passion also means suffering, and just as Christ suffered and was put to death, so must love put to death the wickedness in our hearts.

I just am amazed by this Holy God who loves me so much. I am just amazed that He is making me to look like His image. He is just so faithful.

It’s so easy to be in love with One who loves you so deeply - who is for you and not against you - who has written your name upon His hands - who has shed His blood to wipe away all trace of your wickedness and depravity. It’s so incredibly easy to love others who share your worldview, who love the very One who loved us all first… Oh my God, I just want to cry and weep and fall on my face before that very One right now - because whilst it may be so easy to love Him, it’s just not all that easy to love your “enemy” or, at least to portray that love. My heart is torn into teeny tiny little pieces, all of them beating and bleeding for these supposed “enemies” of mine - and yet I oftentimes wonder if they can feel or even see that love. Oh God, I feel Your love so strongly - it causes the broken places in me to cry out for mercy…

I don’t even know what to say. My heart yearns, breaks, hurts, cries, loves, beats, wants so much more for those who just don’t know what true Love really is. I’m crying now, and feel utterly ridiculous for it, but it’s ok. I’m not going to put on this facade - my heart is so burdened right now, and my spirit feels it strongly. God is so faithful, capable of moving even the most depraved heart (I would know, He’s done a work on mine) but sometimes the darkness I see just feels unshakable. Truth says that the darkness is not unshakable, and so I will abide in that. My heart is being shredded in this season. I’m in the middle of a season of consecration, of God rearranging the old way of thinking and showing me His thoughts, His ways, His design for this thing called Love… It’s a messy process, transitioning out of your old habits and into the grace and mercy of God. My flesh would rather not have to die, but my spirit cries out for the nails and hammer that mean death and away with the rotten, depraved wickedness of my heart. Jesus is shining His marvelous light in my life - revealing the places in me that do not love as He loves. The pain can be overwhelming, but restoration comes after destruction. He will rebuild the ruins of my heart.

Love is all I have to cling to - everything else will fade away, nothing else will heal this wound.

I love Jesus. He’s so beautiful and romantic… and such a Lover. He cuts right to the heart of me - it’s all terribly cheesy when I get down to the core of it all. I was talking to a couple girlfriends about how I absolutely LOVE it when Godly people are joined in the beautiful covenant-union known as marriage. It’s such a precious thing to see true Jesus-lovers running the race of life together - in submission to Christ, in submission to each other - in ardent LOVE for the Father, in self-sacrificing love for each other… It’s beautiful. Then it got me thinking to how AWESOME it will be to be married to Jesus. I think that statement freaks people out sometimes because they don’t want to look at Jesus like a Lover because the connotations that come along with that word are sometimes perverse and twisted by the world… but He is a LOVER and He loves us with a covenant love that cannot and will not be broken - with a love that is VERY MUCH along the same lines as the love that exudes out of a Godly marriage. We, the Body of Christ, are His bride.

So I was saying tonight to one of my lovely Jonathan-David type friends that I just want this anxious betrothal stage between me and Jesus to be over… I cannot wait for that moment when He will sweep me away, as only He can truly do, and take me into the tabernacle of my Abba and present me before Him and let me bask in the GLORY of it all. The really cool thing in all of this, probably the best thing in all of this, is that He longs for that day even more than I do…

I am filled with such LONGING and desperation just to be near Him. That’s the prize, that’s the reward - being near Him, being FILLED to the bursting with His Spirit, entering into His chambers, falling flat on your face before Him and yelling with reckless abandon, HOLY HOLY HOLY and then daring to steal another glance at His beauty and falling flat on your face all over again. I want to meet my Husband. I want to see Him face-to-face. I want His name as my own. I want His seal to be burned and ENGRAVED upon the secret places of my heart. Oh to know such a LOVER as He intended for us to know Him. My heart beats for this… my heart POUNDS with a desperation to bask in His glory, to lay in His arms.

Sweep me away sweet Jesus.

I am about to embark upon a journey deep, deep, DEEP into the heart, mind and soul of my Lover. Any fear of the unknown is completely driven away and replaced by a firmly rooted DESIRE to know Him like I’ve never known Him before. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I want to die - I want my flesh to be crucified - oh Lord, take the nails and drive them deep that my spirit might come alive! I want Him to TAKE ME OVER, take it all, invade, consume me, fill me to the bursting…

I’ve been living in this place of quiet habitation but I don’t want to be quiet anymore. The kingdom of heaven is at hand and I want to partake, I want to participate in the arrival of the King. If I can’t know Jesus so intimately that He’s ingrained in the very fibers of my being than this whole life will have been in vain. He knows me so well - He knows every detail - He smiles over every freckle, sings over me with JOY, invades me with a ferocity that is so ELECTRIFYING, picks me up - brushes me off - rebukes me gently when I fall. He knows my good and my bad - He sees through the facade… and DESIRES me so strongly despite the pettiness, the ugliness of my heart. When He sees me glancing to the right or to the left He burns with a HOLY JEALOUSY, a fire that goes down deep, deep into His heart. Daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, He pours His blood-richer-than-wine upon the alter and CRIES OUT, “MERCY!” over my head, over the hearts of His people.

I’m like, cracking up right now, because as I sit here and type - whilst listening to the one skillet song I actually like (angels fall down) - I can’t help but think of what it will be like to see His face… and that gets me lovedrunk, struck with a HOLY fear, but an anxious longing. The HOLY SPIRIT is CRAZY! It’s crazy - Jesus like, gave up ALL authority of His own and walked in the will of the Father just so He could marry us. We’re betrothed to Jesus. I want to take His name as my own… I want to dance at the wedding supper of the Lamb… THERE’S GOING TO BE A WEDDING! WE ARE BETROTHED, ENGAGED, IN WAITING FOR OUR BRIDEGROOM JESUS CHRIST!

What will that day be like? This is what I think about a lot of the time. What will it be like to look Jesus full in the face - consumed by His glory - letting His perfection wash over you? I want to see my Husband - [the Lord is my Husband, my Maker is the HOLY ONE of Israel.] I don’t think this silly little blog can really convey just how much I want to see JESUS!

I was telling a dear, dear friend of mine (ahem, Christian Froust) about this blog I’m writing - my “pre-consecration” blog - and about this yearning to see Jesus… I want to see my husband! I want to see Jesus as Isaiah saw Jesus, as John saw Jesus on Patmos, as Ezekiel beheld the glory of the Lord, as Moses had the Spirit of God so manifested on his physical person that the sons of Israel could not look at Him! Ahhhh! That’s CRAZY that I can know Him like that. Oh my goodness.

I don’t know what’s up folks… I really don’t. It’s like, I’ve gone through this crazy wilderness season of feeling alone and beat down - the struggle to die being an ongoing battle - and at the end of it - or maybe it’s still the middle of it? - I am at this place where I’m halfway dead and ready for the final blow. Sanctification isn’t over until we meet Jesus - praise God this journey of knowing Him lasts a lifetime and onto and into eternity - but I am ready for the fatal blow that will seal the deal so to speak… This time alone, this time with God, this journey I am embarking on will containing a lot of dredging - you know, dredging up of things like sin and whatnot, hah! Oh yes, the rotten, the wicked, the ugly in me must be BURNT BURNT BURNT away that LIFE may come from the ashes. His life, not my own, HIS HIS HIS and only His.

I was on my way to work the other day - and as I drove I just felt like praying in the Spirit… so I did. Haha. Funny how the Spirit of God can invade a 2006 Toyota Tundra just like He can a worship room, a church. So I got to work and was a bit tipsy from His love… All day long I hear, “Well you’re awfully chipper!” Uhm, you would be too if you would just dive into the depths of His heart. I want to be lovesick like that constantly. I don’t know how to describe how I feel right now except for this one phrase: I feel insane.

Lock me up if you must, all I want is Jesus.

It has been, to say the least, one of those days when the realization of how deeply I need Jesus has hit me full force. No, nothing caused this per se. I haven’t had a horrible day - I’ve been walking in joy, I’ve been savoring the lingering fragrance of His presence. But there is something that has been trying to get out of me for the past three or four weeks. I’m just going to be very raw and vulnerable here…

I want Jesus. I want Him more than anything… but I am just barely scratching the surface of what it means to know Him and be like Him. I am so frustrated. I am so frustrated with myself - with God - with this waiting. I know it’s not an overnight journey - praise God that getting to know Him will last a lifetime! I feel like a stupid, ignorant little kid half the time though. Every day God rebukes me over something else - and I am thankful for that, I need that, I need to grow and be humbled… and He does it so gently… but sometimes I just want to scream or cry or go deep into the woods somewhere and weep and vent my frustrations to God in complete and total honesty.

I want to be taught, I want to grow, I want to be encouraged and poured into… but I’m alone. I’m alone out here in a wilderness. I teach myself, I find ways to grow myself, I find ways to encourage myself, I speak words of life over myself. Oh gosh, this all sounds horribly selfish and childlike… It’s hard people, it’s hard being alone! No man is an island, I am not an exception to that old proverb. God has been so merciful and gracious in this season… He has been there through this wilderness, He has been my place of habitation. I need to learn dependence on Him, He’s brought me to this desert place to teach me to trust and cling to Him, to breathe Him in and let Him overflow into the air around me. But it still hurts, it’s still a hard journey.

I’m alone. It’s just me, it’s just God. It has been an uphill climb these past few months. I’ve fallen deeper in love with the King of kings than I thought possible. He is an all consuming fire, He invades my thoughts and my life and will not let me run this race alone. He is relentless.

I’m still so alone. It’s not very often that I get frustrated at God due to loneliness. Usually I’ll just go spend time in His presence - that more than suffices. But I crave Godly fellowship. I crave spiritual moms and dads to build me up in the way that I should go. I yearn for communion with other believers. I desire to not be the “strong one” but to have my weaknesses displayed that I might be exhorted and taught gently in the way I should go. I want to be raw and free and completely vulnerable. I want to walk in the fullness of truth, of love, of Christ and I want to walk alongside others who crave this as well.

I feel like I am suffocating sometimes. I feel repressed and beat down. I know I am not, I know victory is on my side because I dwell in the tent of the King. I know the promises of God - I know what His word says about who He is and how He cares for and avenges those who are found in Him. In a few months I’ll probably look back on this season and see how I was the better for it. But in all honesty, I’m a little frustrated with God right now and I keep telling Him that. His response? He keeps saying to me “blessed is he who doesn’t fall away on account of Me.” I’m reminded of John the Baptist…

John is the type of person I aspire to be - He knew the Father and in a very intimate way. He prepared the way for the King, He was the voice of one crying in the wilderness. And, he knew Jesus. He knew who Jesus said He was and he knew that it was TRUTH! So, then one day John finds himself in prison, awaiting certain death and he gets a little bit frustrated, to say the least. Sending his disciples to speak with Jesus he tells them to ask the Lord if “He was the the promised one, the one they’d been waiting for or if they should look for another?” And Jesus responds with, “blessed is he who doesn’t fall away on account of me…” Or, as I like to paraphrase it: “John, you’ve seen me at work, you know the Father, you know it’s me - you know the promise… John, you proclaimed me to the world… you know me. And now you’re in prison. I know circumstances aren’t exactly as YOU thought they’d be, but don’t worry. I have a destiny for you to fulfill. You can’t see it now - all you can see is the circumstance you’re in, but John, you’ll be blessed if you don’t fall away, don’t lose heart, don’t lose faith on account of what’s to come. Blessed are you who stick by me, stick close to me in spite of my name and the situations in life it my bring.” As I sit and read what I’ve just typed I am encouraged. Hah. God’s truth pervades the hopelessness a despairing heart can conjure up… I will finish up with my thought processes though, because these are very real emotions that I’m feeling and I’m not going to put on a facade and walk around like I’m this robot who never craves the affections and fellowship of a fellow human being.

Somehow, fellowshipping via a telephone line to beloved ones 1500+ miles away just isn’t the same as having them laugh alongside of you, cry alongside of you, praise Jesus and enter His courts alongside of you… I am in the midst of maintaining a friendship with the woman closest to my heart - she’s always been there for me - whilst she resides in California and I am in Texas. I’m learning the art of “grown up problems” and entering into a beautiful season of courtship alongside a certain Nathaniel Stephen who just so happens to be tucked away in a glorious part of the world known as the Pacific Northwest (which is, conveniently, some 1700 miles from where I currently reside.) Hah, I’m kind of laughing at the irony of it all. It’s kind of like, in the book of Hosea, where God speaks about luring the harlot out into the wilderness just so He can be alone with her and speak tenderly to her, to restore her… God has secluded me. Part of me wants to be bitter about that - haha - but it’s all terribly romantic if you really think about it.

This whole frustration doesn’t just center around the lack of fellowship in my life. I am starting to wake up to the fact that I know so much less than I thought I knew. Hah. Talk about a humbling experience. My pride wants to rear it’s ugly head right about now. That’s probably the biggest thorn in my side. I am proud. I am arrogant. I see things through my eyes and my eyes only. I don’t like anyone having control over MY life, not even God. I don’t like being told I am wrong, I don’t like being rebuked, I don’t like having my voice quieted in favor of anyone else’s opinion being said, and most of all I like to know that I AM RIGHT. Ugh, that all looks so disgusting written down.

Oh I want to be cleansed. I have been rescued from such depravity… now I want to be washed of every inch of it. I want my ugly pride, my fleshy lusts, my ignorance and stupidity to be washed away. I want the make up of my DNA to scream holiness. Every breath, I crave that every breath should be like praise to Jesus. I am alive, He has made me alive, I want to scream that with my whole being. And… I guess, I’m just frustrated because I still trip, still get bruised, still haven’t seen Perfection face-to-face yet.

I was laying out in the sun earlier this evening, tears streaming down my hidden face and I contemplated all of this. I thought about where God had brought me thus far, pondered where He was taking me and completely threw away the idea of walking away from Him. He has brought me through a dark land laden with sin and coupled with doubt. He brought me out from a pit I had created for myself. He rescued me of a lifestyle that, basically, was comprised of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. I was a self absorbed brat who had dreamed up a lifestyle for herself that screamed “DEATH!” and I had no intention of leaving it until I was good and ready to. Then I met Jesus and my plans were ruined.

Then I started learning about living in holiness because Jesus calls us to be HOLY and my life really got tore up. There’s this war waging on the inside… my flesh and my spirit daily go to war, the cool thing is because His Spirit now dwells in me, the battle has already been won. But sanctification is a hard, tiring process.

Later in the journey I began to walk in holiness… and I started to learn about LOVE… all consuming, all encompassing love. And my life got wrecked even more. The battle continued to wage. My spirit began to win out more and more because I was being wooed by this incredible Lover and was relinquishing control over my will more and more and was, instead, falling deeper and deeper into Him.

And right now? Right now I feel the battle so strongly. I am alone, and yet not alone. My spirit is still winning, but the fight has intensified. I am not overcome. I can’t be, I have a strong and victorious Warrior in my midst. I have been immersed in His waters. I’ve like, had a blood transfusion with my King, I’ve given up any idea of a so-called “normal” life. He’s set His seal of love upon me…

I haven’t been able to vocalize, to put into words what I’ve been feeling these past couple of weeks. I’ve tried to and instead I think I’ve just ended up confusing people… This post is all over the place, I’m sure you’d have to be inside of my head to understand it, but in any case this is Katy - unadulterated, not trying to impress, just being for real. I’m hurting brethren, I’m struggling, I’m still loving Jesus - that will never change, but I am hurting.

What shall I do then but keep running towards Him who called me… for there is no other way.

Your prayers are appreciated friends.

I want to write a long, ranting blog about how broken this world is and how people need to wake up to the reality that Jesus is a loving, gracious, beautiful, merciful Savior who desires their life - their being - their everything… That is all true, that is all extremely and undeniably true. People do need to wake up. Jesus is a Savior for all men - He desires us so strongly that even the broken can feel it. But I can’t rant, I can’t just go on some long tirade about how the state of this world ANGERS me. It does anger me. I’m filled with a righteous, and sometimes not so righteous, indignation over the state of things - over the abuses, materialism, the greed, the lusts of the flesh that plague the hearts of men and seemingly define this nation.

More than that, however, my heart breaks.

A dear, dear friend of mine sent me a video clip tonight about a young boy, sixteen I believe, who stabbed a man to death and then dismembered the man in order to hide the body. Apparently, according to testimony from the boy, this was done to prevent this man from killing another teenage boy. Oh the vileness of it all. That sixteen year olds would have to kill as an excuse to live, that men would be stabbed to death because of the overflow of their wickedness.

Here in Texas an offshoot of the Latter Day Saint’s church has it’s headquarters and the infamous Warren Jeffs was brought into the spotlight again as more and more of the abuse he has condoned unfolded in the public eye. Children and “wives” poured out of a massive compound where this cult resided and tales of the mistreatment began again. Young girls, innocent and completely deceived, being forced into marriages with lust-filled men. The satan-games that go on using the mask of God and faith… how abhorrent it is. God, the anguish my heart feels.

Does anyone FEEL anything anymore? Anything beyond a shake of the head and a heavy sigh as we sit in front of the news at night and wonder why the world is in such a state?

Oh we are a wicked and perverse generation. Our hearts are as black as the tents of Kedar, our wickedness flows out of our lives with a torrential outburst that tears to pieces everything good and pure and of the Father. We’re so ignorant of the reason behind the sin. Instead of recognizing that the issue lies within we place the blame. “The video game I played filled me with bad thoughts and with rage, that’s why I planned a mass school shooting.” Or, “I forgot to take my medicine, thus I drowned my children.” I’ve seen every excuse splashed across the front page of the news. “Well, sex sells!” So let’s use that to justify the pornography that is splayed on every billboard and intertwined in most craftily filmed television adverts. We justify every lie that the enemy fills our hearts with because deep down we’re evil. There is nothing good in us. There is nothing beautiful about us.

I see brothers and sisters walking knee-deep in sin, thinking they’re okay because they haven’t gone under yet. Where do we draw the line? Does God really care? I mean, He loves and forgives us anyways…

We’re a wicked, evil, people. Our hearts are deceived. Apart from Him we can do nothing good. And that’s the honest to goodness, no if-ands-or-buts about it truth. We try and derive our philosophy from that which fits the standards of the world - “do good, just be a moral person” or “people aren’t really wicked, society corrupts” but the truth is we are in desperate need of something beyond our own failures, our own faults. We need Jesus. We need Him so badly that everything inside of us screams and cries out for this one thing, this beautiful redemption. But we silence Him with our lusts, with our rebellions… When will it end God, when will we wake up? I don’t want to be found asleep on that day…

I was trying to get away from these thoughts as I stole away to spend time with my Lord. I put on music that was filled with words of love and desire for a King so holy. I danced and wanted to feel Him smile down on me. I couldn’t stay in that place though. I opened the Psalm’s, I opened to Jeremiah, I opened anywhere I could to find some sort of word to fill my head… it was all filled with the pain I felt - people crying out to an unseen God for the redemption of a people, of a situation, of a heart. I began to feel like maybe God’s heart was breaking too tonight, maybe He wanted me to feel this so that my prayers would be in earnest. I listened to one last song before I left that quiet place… It was a song filled with the innocence of a child, something this nation has completely forgotten… I added my own verse, one that speaks of this loss.

Hey Jesus -
When this world breaks down,
do You break down too?
Hey Jesus -
You see our hearts,
but do You heal them too?

I happened upon some old journals and notebooks of mine and as I poured over the pages I smiled at where God has brought me in this past year and a half and also just the raw, unadulterated passion that some of these journals contain. In certain entries I see a young girl very frustrated and angered at the circumstances of life and venting said frustration to her Maker, to her Daddy. And then, on the flip side to that, I see a young girl completely enraptured and in love with the most beautiful of Lover’s. I hate being in a vulnerable position. But God is gracious and He is changing me to live free like the child He created me to be. “Don’t be afraid little warrior-bride…” I’m His little warrior-bride, and He has set me free and I want to rejoice in that. So here goes, I am sharing a piece of my heart that I am not ashamed about by any means, but it’s very intimate and… well…

There’s a passage from the Song of Songs [or Solomon in some translations] that goes as follows:“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine. Your oils have a pleasing fragrance, your name is like purified oil; therefore the maidens love you. Draw me after you and let us run together!”

I feel like everything in my spirit cries “YES!” when I read portions of scripture like that. I get tongue tied trying to explain how I feel about the Lord because it’s so complicated, yet simple - this beautiful, intoxicating mess that is something that mere mortal love could never even come close to. I want to run into His open arms and melt into His embrace, into His being, I want to be wrapped up inside of His skin never to be let free. I want to be enslaved to Him, constantly in His tabernacle, always abiding in the shadow of His wings. The music of His heart causes me to run and dance and laugh and sing and SHOUT. Sometimes the words that come out are unintelligible to anyone but Him I think. I’d like to be alone with Him in some enchanted wood and have Him unravel the mysteries of His kingdom to my waiting ears, to my open heart. I’d like to lay in some sun-filled field, in His arms as John the disciple laid - in a manner so intimate and trusting. I want to see Him as the angels do - glorified and shining with HOLINESS - and then I want to fall down and weep because He is too good for my mind to comprehend.

O God, I look and I see the beauty that this life holds and I am overwhelmed. The poverty, the despair, the anguish of that the human race lives in pales in comparison to Your love, to Your glory! O Jesus, I see the sunsets you paint for me daily and I long to be swept up into the reds, oranges, yellows and purples that intertwine in the sky. You romance me, You see my heart and You long to have it turned towards Your own… and so daily You find ways. O God, the gentle spring breeze that kisses my cheek when I am running under those moonlit tapestries of star-filled skies! O Lord, I found You beneath the shade of a fir tree - You were sitting on a fallen log - remember how the cold of the alpine lakes felt? God You’re everywhere! I can’t escape You, I don’t want to escape You.

Oh even in the midst of my depravity - when all I could see was the sin and wickedness etched upon my heart YOU WERE THERE. I go crazy with longing! The waiting burdens my heart. When will I be like You - HOLY as You are HOLY? When will the perfection I long for call me home? When will I SEE and KNOW and FEEL and LOVE - not just in part anymore - but in whole?

You’ve ruined me Jesus. You’ve completely ruined me for the satan-games of this world. You’ve spoiled the enemy’s chances of taking any ground in my life. O my GOD I try and think of what life would be like if I walked away from You at this point and I am sickened to the core of me - because it just wouldn’t make sense! O God, O God, don’t let my heart be hardened - don’t let this love grow cold. Preserve me. Strengthen and establish me. Oh sweet Father, precious Daddy…

I feel that these words fall abominably short of what my heart YEARNS to convey. I am going MAD, I am no longer sane by the standards of this world. I’ve given up normal life in pursuit of something infinitely better. I just want to be with Him, to be like Him, to love as He loves and to be loved by Him, to be near Him and surrounded by His goodness. Oh to dance in the light of who He is and all that He has stored up for us. Just to be near Him would be enough.

This basically sums it up. I want this waiting to be over. I know I have a purpose here, and a mere breath of eternity to spend here… but sometimes I just long to be with Him. My head and my heart can hardly keep focus sometimes - I am ruined for anything but knowing and loving Him.