Your love never stops, it never quits chasing my soul.

One thing I’ve learned this past year is this: He never quits on us, never gives up. I’ve been stubborn and broke down, hurt and needy, and in the midst of joy and pain He’s found me every time. Every single day He’s met me, whether I’ve been stubbornly refusing Him or running to Him with open arms! What a beautiful Papa He is!

I want more of Him.
All I can say is I want more of Him.

 

His love is OVERWHELMING.
I keep thinking about a couple of Septembers ago, when I fell in love with Jesus for the first time. Those days are so sweet and precious to me. I am reminded of in Revelations where the Spirit of the Lord urges us to not forget the honeymoon days but to do the things we did when we first fell in love. I am falling back into a season of honeymoon love. This past year I’ve been sorting through emotions and have been confronted with circumstance after circumstance that have made me cry out for God with an intense desperation, and now in this time – as He promised – I will be lead up out of the wilderness, leaning upon my Beloved One, yearning for His heart with a new level of tenderness.

 

That’s all that matters.
It’s easy to get sidetracked in America.
But that’s all that matters: more love, more glory, more revival, more Jesus.

Praise God that He’s never given up on me.

Watching, waiting.

“I shall set forth somewhere, I shall make a reckless choice”
Robert Frost

Strange, strange season I find myself in. My heart is beating within me in restless anticipation, and yet my bones are determined to still themselves and wait on a voice, a whisper, a “set forth” spoken into my flesh. I feel like I’m bursting with anticipation. I’ve lived with this feeling for close to a year now – as if everything inside of me is going to explode into a million pieces of joy and journey and excitement. What. Where. When. Why? I’m a dreamer, a schemer, and everything in between. I could be perfectly contented with a book and a field to lay in, my dreams and One unseen to keep my company. All the same, I could be perfectly contented in a crowded city, seeing the sin stained walls and miserable faces – praying for redemption.

So I sit. And I wait.

The sound of my heartbeat sounds something like this: freedom, freedom, freedom. But freedom from what? Freedom from these bonds and chains that old lucifer would have me walk in? Freedom from monotony? Freedom from righteousness [may it never be]? Freedom from everything I know and can see, and freedom to walk into the unknown with confidence?

I want to step into that unknown once more. I used to get quite frustrated with my Maker – blaming Him for making me this way – a dreamer, a pilgrim, an adventurer, a pioneer. It always seemed to me that I could never sit still for long. I can remember a time I was genuinely angry at God for creating me with such a spirit to forge my own path. Why couldn’t I just go in the way of someone else? It would be so much easier. I’ve tried that, and I’ve found myself in the depths of depression, in a pit of despair (as dramatic as it sounds), to wear a face that is not my own. I’ve conformed and I’ve danced the dance that everyone thinks I should. I’ve been stretched this way and that – pulled in every direction by the opinions of those who suppose they hear the voice of God for my life. My question is then this: why is God speaking ten different things about where I should be then? No, I’m not bitter, I just want to hear His actual voice – and with my own two ears. I’m determined to have the ears of Jeremiah, of Elijah, of Moses, of Jesus. Even if He should have to blind my like Paul that I may follow Him better, so be it.

I’m dancing the dance that leads to freedom. I’m carving my own way and adventure. With Him at the helm. I’ve no desire to be anything other than a child of God, a child who sees and sings and tastes and believes and feels and is and journeys and in the midst of it all discovers One so beautiful.

There’s none too poor, too dirty, too broken, too naked, too stupid, too drunken to be thrown outside His LOVE.

I woke up this morning with expectation coursing through my veins and fire stirring in my bones. As I greeted my Lover, I lay there in the pre-dawn stillness and something akin to joy mixed with broken-heartedness welled up inside of me. I began to laugh and almost cry at the same time. It’s going to be a good day, I thought, and so it has been. It’s not even 11 am and already the Spirit of the Living God has been poured out so heavily over my life this morning.

The last few months of persevering and running through mud and mire make so much sense in my head and in my heart right now. The Lord is doing a number on my heart. Prayers I’ve been praying for years are coming to pass, and I am seeing His faithfulness abound in my life – even amidst crazy circumstances and odds that speak to my defeat rather than my success. Ah, I’m so glad for His working in my life. Everything He’s spoken in the past year can be funneled down to this one statement: kingdom perspective. He’s giving me eyes. He’s giving me ears. 

I want none but Him. I want nothing but to see His glory abound. I’ve been a selfish, self-pitying wretch lately. Oh God, thank You for Your kindness which leads to repentance. Thank You for mercy sweet, sweet Papa! I have been selfish, selfish, selfish, but through persevering in prayer I’ve seen the chains that bind me so easily fall to the ground.  Yeah, prayer prayer prayer – it always proceeds revival [whether in a nation, or in the humblest of hearts.] 

My head is spinning from this week I’ve been spending here in the most beautiful state I’ve yet to have visited: Colorado. I’ve had much time to reflect, pray, be humbled, seek, cry, weep… I’m staying with one of the most beautiful families I’ve ever known. They are a picture of Love. For real. Circumstance doesn’t keep them from pouring out, from loving, from pressing in, from serving, from accepting the Lord’s grace and forgiveness. It’s beautiful. They maybe don’t see it, but I see it. I’ve been watching them, watching the way they’ve taken me in and loved me, and I am blown away. I am so humbled being here. It’s not an easy thing for me to be in a position to accept such beautiful service without offering anything in return. It’s a picture of the Lord: He pours out His everything, and nothing we can give Him could ever be an acceptable offering in return… but He wants our lives anyway, and takes joy in using them for His glory! Yeah these earthen vessels hold such gems and treasure beyond compare…

So I’ve been contemplating and praying about this servant-lover attitude that I seem to so easily forget to walk in. Oh a Lover will ALWAYS outwork a worker. I’ve been asking God for more, and more revelation on this thing called Love. I would rather be lovesick than intelligent, for God uses the things that aren’t to nullify that which is – and heck, even His foolishness is better than the wisdom of men. I would rather be head over heels in love and look ridiculous in the process; would rather be believing for a miracle then walking in the ways of “practicality”; would rather know the strategies of heaven than the strategies of men… In any case,  this has been heavy on my heart for weeks and weeks. So today I picked up the Rolland and Heidi Baker book, “Always Enough,” and my heart exploded. I’ve been laughing and crying and reeling in the goodness of God all morning long.

I feel like I’ve met a kindred spirit in this woman – and yet I’ve never even seen her in the physical yet. No, perhaps I’m not called to Mozambique (not for life at least), but I hear the cry of her heart so loudly, so clearly. I’ve felt like a crazy woman lately, believing in the promises of God, seeing my faith grow in increasing measures – and also seeing the pressures of the enemy come against me as I begin to stand in that place of trust. I’ve felt like a straight up mad woman for wanting the heights, and depths, the widths and the lengths of His love, of His revelation, of His glory. I want to see Jesus. I want to be His hands and feet. I dare to believe that He can use me, that He wants to use me – as broken and messy as I am. I stand in the knowledge that prayer moves mountains and that my Papa is a good, good Daddy who always looks out for His kids. I believe in prayer over practicality and wholehearted abandon versus supposed wisdom. Yeah, the wisdom of God is so much better than my own human logic. 

Yeah I feel a kindred spirit in this woman as she writes:

“He is calling us to complete humility and gentleness. It is never about us; it is always about Him. We need patience for every person we encounter in ministry, that we can be long-suffering, bearing with one another in His love, able to love the unlovely. He is our only hope. He is our Lord. Our faith is in Him. We are baptized into Him. We lay down our lives. We die to ourselves in baptism. We are raised new creations in Christ. God is calling each of us to walk in the mercy and grace He has given us. He prepares us for works of service. Do we see what He sees? Do we feel what He feels? Can we hear the cry of His heart for the lost? This is poverty of spirit. God is calling us to be poor in spirit. When we are poor in spirit, we no longer compete. We no longer jostle for titles. When we have no drive to be noticed and known, we are not offended by lack of attention. We find no satisfaction in ministry status. Then we can walk in unity, preferring others above ourselves. Our only desire is to live the life of a humble servant-lover of our Lord Jesus.“

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

 

All morning as I was reading I was thinking of my friend Stanford. Stanford is this beautiful old black man, somewhere in his early sixties. He’s from Louisiana, and since about the age of 15 he’s been homeless. I met Stanford in Deep Ellum, the club and arts district of Dallas. As I was prayer walking with a friend we passed by this man, laying on the ground – on a street corner – begging for change. Initially I passed by him. About fifty feet down the street I stopped though – turned to my friend and said, “Hey, we should go talk with him.” And so we did. 

I spent the most beautiful night with that man. Hearing his story. Buying him dinner. Speaking truth. Showing him love like he’d never encountered from two young white kids (yeah, he grew up in the segregated south.)

Stanford walks with a limp. He’s had polio almost his entire life. We prayed for healing. I’m believing for it still. And yeah, he was missing some teeth and seemed to be blind in one eye. He smelled of cigarettes and alcohol. We walked around Dallas, holding hands, talking about the Lord. I remember seeing His eyes well up as my friend and I declared over him the destiny God had for his life: his destiny as a son of God! I think what got him the most was that my friend Josh and I weren’t afraid to be seen with him, weren’t afraid to hold his hand, weren’t afraid to hug him and let him kiss our cheeks good-bye. 

I think about Stanford almost every day. I think that my heart has become a little calloused in the weeks that have followed that night. My eyes have become a little bit more blurry, my ears have been a bit more clogged to hearing the cries of the lost and unloved. But the Lord is faithful, He’s more faithful than I ever will be, He’s more committed to seeing His kingdom come than I ever will be. And He hears the cries and prayers of His saints – longing for the deeper things, longing for more of Him, longing for His love. And part of His love that we experience is in pouring out that very love to those around us. I want to be caught up in that love. I want to meet more Stanford’s. I want to see the power of God fall into the heart of the most hardened sinner, addict, prostitute, homeless, millionaire, child, adult, atheist, buddhist, muslim, christian… Lord God of Elijah, I want a double portion. I want to see You, I want to be like You, I want to bring glory to Your name. Give me a heart of love.

Yeah, yeah yeah.

It’s a good day. My eyes. My heart. My ears. Oh I’m being opened up. Holy Spirit come an fill this earthen vessel. Use me for Your goodness Papa. Yeah, it’s a good day.

Yeah I will bring her out into the wilderness…

Who can understand the deep ways of God? Who can comprehend the heights and depths and widths and lengths of His deep, passionate, all consuming Love? Why does He pick me up out of the place I know and put into a dry and barren place – all the while asking me, “Do you trust Me to provide you with water?” I really want to know Jesus, I really want to know Your heart in this wild place – I want to see Your face.

This is how I see it:

I’m standing, alone amidst a crowd of distractions. People, places, faces and things that represent everything but Christ Jesus and Him crucified, yeah they all surround me. Things as weighty as family issues and the future, things as petty as fashion and the opinions of man – yeah these things surround me and cause anxiety to rise up in me. I look down: running shoes, I’ve got running shoes on. So I run. The fog lifts. I run out of a concrete jungle full of people and things and into the wilderness. I’m closed in by trees and surrounded by fresh air. The sky is blue and the sun is bright and warm. I run and run and run and run… But I’m still wearing jeans and a sweater and a hat and a scarf and all these things that hold me down. So I begin to take them off. And soon, I’m just running – nothing holding me back, naked and free and unhindered by any distraction or weight or sin that so easily entangles. I run through this trail in the woods and reach the edge of a mountain. As I look over the edge there is dry, cracked ground where there should be lake. Lord whispers in my ear: do you trust me to provide the water? I steel myself and do it: I run off the cliff and dive head first, and as I’m falling down, down down, the water comes and I dive deep into the depths. 

 

Ah. 

I don’t even know what to say.
I want to go DEEP.
I want to go DEEPER. Yeah, c’mon Jesus – take me out into that barren land, take me out and allure me there, and then strip me of all that I am that isn’t You and call me Your own. Tell me Your name is Ishi now and now longer Baali. I need to hear it from you. Yeah, speak to me in the wilderness.

Sometimes the desert air is hot and dry, sometimes it burns going down into your lungs. Oh it is painful, learning to breathe, learning to dig deep just to drink. Ah but despite this learning how to be, I’m so convinced of WHO He is. I’m so convinced that He loves to speak to me in this place. I’m so convinced that I’m in the middle of an epic adventure with Him. 

I was watching Braveheart last night – my favorite movie for sure – and yet again, I was so struck by the beauty of this story. To fight for love, to fight for freedom, to live with a conviction so strong that it embodies you and transforms you from lowly peasant to a legendary warrior. Wretched man that I am, who can transform me from this body of death? Ah but I know the One! I know the One who takes us, low as we are – Who regards us in our low estate – and sees in us the makings of a revolution. Yeah, He sees in me the makings of a revolution.

My perspective on being in the wilds of not knowing, encountering the barrenness that comes with solitude, feeling the nakedness that comes with vulnerability, has totally changed. I used to despair, being in this barren land, but I’ve come to realize this: I am free in the wilderness. My spirit can come alive and dance around and be totally free in this place. Yeah, I am free in this wilderness. I am free to become like my Warrior King. I’m free to hear my Beloved speak His name over me. I’m free to let His words call out the things in my spirit that I can’t see. The Pure, Victorious Warrior that I am is rising up in this battlefield.

Oh Jesus, how I love being in the wilds with you. 

 

The sound of rain: He’s coming to America again.

I feel my heart breaking all over again. The past few weeks have been a brutal and for real reminder of the depravity of mans heart: especially in regards to what most people think about the fact that Jesus is alive and is returning soon. Sometimes, in the midst of christian community, I think it’s easy to get caught up in a bubble-wrapped way of doing things. But, as the Body of Christ, we can’t live life at status-quo, surface level christianity anymore…

Someone asked me the other week, “With the amount of interns and YWAM students that come through the part of Texas you’re in, why isn’t that whole community saved and transformed?” I sat there in silence for a long time. It just dawned on me: because we don’t really believe Jesus is who He says He is, and that He’ll do what He says He’ll do. If we did, wouldn’t our lives look so different?

Ah, we need to get wounded by Love!

I’ve heard it said that, unless one is challenged to give up EVERYTHING one is not really in love. Ouch. Lately I’ve been wrecked because of the state of my own heart. The Lord has had to remind me, time and time again, of prayers I’ve cried out from the depth of my being – prayers He is now answering. The call of a lover unto her Beloved! What desperate prayers being in love births! And how fatal the blows when such desperation is answered by the crushing heel of love itself!

I’ve seen the darkest parts of my heart ripped out and exposed – for what is hidden in darkness WILL be brought into the light. I’ve felt the hard-pressed blows of persecution in a very unexpected way. I’ve cried tears of loneliness and of all-consuming-love as well. I say none of this to boast or to evoke pity, but merely to expose the depths of my heart and to be raw about what is really going on in my corner of the world. To be quite honest, if my preferences reigned supreme in my life I would not be living a life that reflected one who has been totally captivated by Love. 

Ah, my flesh is so weak it seems! That is the only way I can describe the state of my own heart: weak. But He is strong, He is so strong! And, I’ve reached this point in my short life where I have nothing to cling to but that promise of His strength, that promise that what He speaks out IS, in fact, true! If I don’t hold onto that then I have nothing. I have no money, I have very few earthly possessions, I have no degrees or elements of worldly success… All I have is the promise that His strength is enough, the dreams, the visions, the words He’s spoken out… the promise that He WILL return in GLORY and POWER and JUDGMENT – He will return to ESTABLISH an ETERNAL THRONE! 

So, why don’t I always live like I believe it?

O, GOD! Wake up the complacent fibers in me! Take these dry bones and bring them to life in Your LOVE! I need a deeper revelation of WHO You are! 

And it’s not just me, O my God, it’s not just me! I see the pictures, I dream the dreams, I hear the stories of a sick and dying generation. Friends who once aspired to know the Lord have been lured into a perverted and enticing darkness, one that promises freedom and truth – but instead their hearts are bound with the shackles of sin and death! Sisters and brothers, running after the powers of darkness! Mothers and fathers listening to the father of lies! America! America! Oh blessed among the nations, your blessing has become a curse!!

Material gain, sexual pleasures, humanistic ideologies, youth and beauty – these are our stumbling blocks. Tolerance has taken the place of truth. Promiscuity has taken the place of purity. Choice has taken the place of life. Redefinition has taken the place of demonstrations of power. Mammon has taken the place of manna. Perversion has taken the place of prayer. O God, O God! Can this valley of bones come to life once more? Only You, O God, know.

My heart BURNS for America. My heart BURNS for the Body of Christ in America. It resonates so strongly in my spirit that IT IS TIME for a great purging within the Body! We’ve got to let go of our satan-games and put on the full armor and choose to DIE in order that He may live, and yet I feel like that is exactly the message the church does NOT want to hear. But it’s truth, and it’s a reality based out of the truth that HE IS COMING SOON. 

He’s coming, He’s coming, His return is at hand. How many years of my life have I wasted in unbelief? As weak as my love is, I cannot let go of this reality any longer. We sing songs of “How far will you let me go, how abandoned will you let me be?” in a desperate attempt to touch heaven – but how many of us really want to see abandonment become our lifestyle? I confess, my own heart rebels against this much of the time.

I’ve been called crazy, extreme, demented even, because I pray prayers like “God, shake everything that can be shaken – bring America to her knees,” or for doing things like extended fasts, or praying for a release of the Holy Spirit over a generation, or shaving my head in the spirit of the nazarite. But, the question still remains, “GOD! HOW FAR WILL YOU LET ME GO! HOW ABANDONED WILL YOU LET ME BE????!” Until I see the King of Glory descend, until my eyes have seen and my ears have heard, there are no heights, no depths, no lengths, no widths that I would not go to. 

My flesh is weak, my heart will fail me: but HE is my portion, HE is my strength, HIS nearness is my good…

Church, we must be awake in this hour. We need to get on our faces and cry out for His Spirit to return! Look at the damage being done around us by the kingdom of darkness. Our victory has already been sealed by Jesus’ blood. Why do we sit back silently? The violent take the kingdom by force. We have not yet persevered unto the point of blood in our prayers (Leonard Ravenhill), and we have not yet preached the kingdom with signs and wonders that will follow. We do not take seriously that He is returning soon – because our actions still speak louder then our claims of “love” and “devotion.” We call ourselves by His name, and yet we look no different than the world. Satan-games of lust and sexual immorality, foul mouths and even fouler thoughts,  drinking and drug habits that rule our lives, hidden secrets of homosexuality and the silent genocide (abortion), apathy and embarrassment at the mention of our Savior’s name… we use grace as an excuse that we should sin. MAY IT NEVER BE! It was for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free – not that we should use this freedom as an excuse to sit and soak in the filth of the world and the stench of dirty, rotten, wicked sin! 

He’s coming Church! He’s coming again! And He’s looking for a Bride who is equally yoked with Him. 

He’s coming Church! He’s coming again! And He WILL trod on His enemies like a winepress. 

If My people who are called by My name would HUMBLE THEMSELVES and pray then I would HEAR and I would COME and I would HEAL their land! It’s a promise it’s a promise! We need to get struck by love and come to a place of surrender, safe only in the midst of the very fire and flame of Love itself – only then, will we be able to give it ALL up for Him… only then will we be able to fall flat on our faces and cry out for MERCY… only then will He hear from heaven and come heal our land. We need to get on our faces. We have not yet persevered unto the point of blood in our prayers! We need to get wounded by Love itself!

O God, I pray You’d pour out a revelation of Your love! 

Friends I want to be struck by this thing. I want to be so gripped by the God-man Jesus Christ as living, true, the only way, that nothing else matters. Beloved, I want to know this God-man so that when He returns I won’t be offended or shocked or caught off guard. 

Ah my heart is weak, my flesh has failed! But HE is my strength! HE is my portion! HIS nearness is my good! 

Friends will you join me in crying out for a deeper revelation of His love? Will you join me in crying out MERCY over our nation? Will you join me in forgetting the satan-games of our youth and running on to maturity in Christ? Would you be willing, for the sake of Love, to step outside what you have known and believed and, instead, let the Author and Perfecter of all things shape what is real, and lasting and true in your heart? O God give us strength! We’ve got to go to the heights, we’ve got to go to the depths! 

He is coming! He is sending revival! Friends, let’s be ready on that day! Let’s be ready on that day! I want to be ready! I want to be ready when the Spirit of God moves in America in such a way that THOUSANDS are swept into the kingdom in a second. I want to be ready when the Spirit of God is poured out in such a way that whole nations are transformed! I want to be a living, breathing, weeping, laughing, rejoicing, mourning temple of Holy Spirit. I want to be AWAKE when He returns with the glory of the angels surrounding Him.

Yes, I will not cease to ask for this beautiful breaking. It hurts, it’s brutal. I don’t especially like it when my heart is torn in two as I hear report after report of immorality, as I see evidence of wickedness in my own life… but I will not cease to ask for this breaking. I want to be ready, I want to be ready for He is coming.

O God, come. O God, come.

Baptize my heart [with Your fire.]

I am burdened – for the state of this world, for the state of the bride, for the state of my own heart. I feel like for the majority of my life I’ve walked around ignorant and in a daze – not really aware of what is going on in the heavenlies. Oh the spirit of this age truly has blinded the minds of the unbelieving. My mind and my heart has been awakened to something else: foolishness to those perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the wisdom and power of God – Jesus Christ and Him crucified. So what does Christ and His crucifixion translate into in this day in age where tolerance and coexstion “reign supreme”? There are many faces of what christianity supposedly is, who Christ supposedly is – Christ is all loving, all accepting. True, true… but what are His ideas of justice? What are His ideas of what it means to love the world? What are His ideas on politics and religion?

I keep thinking of a line from a Misty Edwards song, “I don’t want to be offended when it’s all coming down…” and I think that about sums up where my heart is right now. I don’t want to be offended when Jesus comes back (because He is coming back, and sooner than we’d like to think) – I don’t want to be offended when He unleashes His justice and righteous indignation against the nations, against my nation. I don’t want to be bent out of shape by the mere fact that my ideas of justice do not line up with His own, I don’t want to enter into eternity with Him only to find I don’t know Him or His heart at all. I want to break my covenant with darkness and walk in the light as He is in the light.

I’ve been called an extreme person by some. I shaved my head as a sign and a seal of the nazarite lifestyle I’ve chosen. I fast. I pray. It’s a waste of time – the things I’m doing with my life, you know? I am, by no means, trying to put myself on a pedastal here. I’ve examined my own heart in the past few weeks, in the past months even, and I’ve found a heart hardened and blackened by the burdens and circumstances of life. My prayer has been, “God restore to me the joy of my salvation” because I don’t want a hardened heart in that day, I don’t want a heart out of love with Him upon His return. I want to be dressed in readiness with my lamp alit. All that being said, despite my extremism, despite my failures and lack of love, I know one thing: the Lord is coming, and He is hungry for hearts who are fully His, people to partner with Him in this great endtime generation.

Daily I have to choose crucifixion, daily I have to choose to commit my heart once more to Him. And lately I feel as if He’s been challenging my everything – my status quo christianity, my complacency and depravity… He’s saying, He’s saying “what do you love in the world more than Me?” I’ve had my convictions, my heart, my desires challenged more in the past two months than ever before in my life. Since I committed the next season of my life (two years, perhaps more) solely unto the Lord I’ve felt attack come against me like never before. There’s been a great upheaval. It’s foolishness to fast and pray. It’s foolishness to devote yourself to a God mostly unseen. It’s foolishness to skip out on four year degrees and promises of “success.” It’s foolishness to sell it all and leave it all behind.

To that I say: “Strive to enter by the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able.” Oh Bride of Christ, we must be ready in that day for He is coming! I want to strive to enter by His way, the narrow way, the ONLY way, whether it costs me everything – my pride, my possessions, my likeability, my life – or nothing at all. Oh Bride in America, He is coming for us with a jealous flame of love, He will sanctify us to the extent that He loves us. He is shaking everything that can be shaken. He wants a Bride that is fully His, and He intends to have it – the question is, will we be found at the wedding feast of the Lamb? It will only cost us everything – it will only mean giving up our pre-conceived notions of right, wrong, good, justice, mercy, righteousness, holiness and letting the Lord and the Word of God shape them. It will only mean living a lifestyle that is potentially offensive, a lifestyle that demands repentence in the hearts of all who come upon us, a lifestyle that commands integrity and upright living in every area, a lifestyle that speaks the name of Christ as plainly as the words that come from our mouths.

I want to burn for Him the way He burns for me – despite what popular opinion about that may be this day in age. I’m not so concerned about being relevant or tolerant, I am concerned about the heart of God and what His Spirit says though. God, God take away the idols, rip away the things we [the Bride] love more than you in this world. I want to be for you and not against you! I don’t want to be found as an enemy of God in that day…

Lord, separate the sheep from the goats, God, make your Son’s bride ready, make Your bride alive in You.

Oh my God – You’ve won my heart.

You are the one I am longing for. That sentence just about sums up what’s going on in my wee little heart right now. There’s been a great shaking and a great shift in my heart as it would happen. I don’t know how to express all that has occurred, but I feel as if I’ve had a heart transplant. Ezekiel 13:14 has taken place in my spirit ["So I shall tear down the wall which you plastered over with whitewash and bring it down to the ground, so that its foundation is laid bare; and when it falls, you will be consumed in its midst. And you will know that I am LORD."] I feel such strength to press on and go to greater depths in this season – it’s like my inner man has been strengthened in light of who He is.

There’s been much shifting and shaking during this season. Life, seemingly, has fallen to pieces in those I see around me. At times it has felt like it was falling apart in my own little bubble. Lord encouraged me with a word the other day from Haggai chapter 2… Vs. 5 and 6:”‘As for the promise which I made you when you came out of Egypt, My Spirit is abiding in your midst; do not fear!’ For thus says the LORD of hosts, “Once more in a little while, I am going to shake the heavens and the earth, the sea also and the dry land.”‘ Amongst the prophesy of a great shaking lies the promise that His Spirit is in my midst and I’ve no need to fear. He’s such a good, good Papa… always reminding me of His love, of His protection, of His eye upon me. It’s sometimes hard to keep perspective amidst hard times. When the world comes crashing down around you, and on top of that you feel as though the heat of love is growing into a lukewarm dying ember, it definitely begins to feel as though death itself has entered your soul and is beginning to tear the fibers of your heart into irreparable pieces. Maybe that’s just me however. In any case, even during this time of shifting and shaking I hear His whisper to my soul…

“Come away with me,” He says. How can one refuse so precious, so tender, so enticing a call?

And so I’ve responded. I’ve said unto Him, “Oh make me a garden locked, one who is hedged in – whether by thorns or by skin. Take away the idols, the ones I’ve loved, and place in me a heart of flesh that beats only for You.” I feel His words bursting beneath my skin, His Spirit raging inside my flesh: I want only Him. My spirit is so alive to Him right now. As He called me [Mark 6:31 - "Come away by yourself to a lonely place and rest a while."] so I will come.

I got a wedding band today. I’ve been wrestling with the idea of celibacy for about a year now. It’s kind of a funny thing to be wrestling with at age 19/20, don’t you think? It kind of makes me chuckle a little bit. I feel crazy sometimes, most of the time, you know? But I’m not ashamed of this insanity as it were. In fact, I wouldn’t really want it any other way. I don’t want to live under the expectations of man, I don’t want to live under the presupposition that I have to live out the “American dream.” If all I could do in this lifetime is get to know Him, it would be more than worth it. I’ve been reading about St. Francis of Assisi, and also my beloved Brother Lawrence: both two of my spiritual papa’s for sure. These men encourage me so much to live as I know He’s spoken to me.

I’m making a two year covenant with the Lord: to seek Him and only Him. To be made humble, to be brought low, to learn to love and be loved. Tomorrow marks the beginning of something significant. I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit my whole life to the celibate persuasion, but I’ve already committed all my affections to Lord as long as I walk this earth, or until He returns. We’ll see where He takes me, we’ll see where this all leads. I’m marking this covenant by the shaving of my head and a week long water fast. I will bear the reproach of the stares – trusting that God is my justifier – and I will walk in physical weakness – knowing that His strength is really all that sustains. All I know is that He is drawing me into deep waters. To know the sound of His voice. To memorize the silhouette of His frame. To see the lines on His face. To feel His breath as He takes me in His arms. To gaze upon a smile so heavenly. To have heart surgery: oh implant Your heart that I may live!

The yearning. The groaning. The waiting. The longing. He is birthing in me a heart that desires to be dressed in readiness [with my lamp alit] at His returning. Oh friends, He is coming so soon. We must be ready, we must be ready. He’s longing for His bride. He’s longing to avenge the blood of His precious ones. He’s longing to establish His throne. Oh can’t you see it’s the very desire of His heart? Oh God, that You would make me ready! Oh dear ones, let us pray that He would make us ready. How beautiful He is to love us so… how utterly beautiful.

Yes and amen.

oh my life [it's changing every day, in every possible way.]

This summer has been a whirlwind of God, lessons learned [and waiting to be learned], intense fellowship, agonizing loneliness, desperation for His touch – His voice spoken clearly, joy at hearing Him, and a plethora of other emotions, experiences and actions all jumbled together in the beautiful melting pot that is my life. As Autumn approaches (my favorite season by far) I can’t help but reflect on what has happened and what is ahead. No, the leaves haven’t changed color here in Texas – and yes, the days are still hot and humid and full of junebugs and other oversized bugs – but despite that I feel a distinct changing of seasons in my own life and all around me.

I went away to International House of Prayer earlier this summer with both the fear and heavy anticipation that God would ruin my life once more. I was so right. What a glorious ruining it has been! I remember hours spent sobbing because His presence was so thick; I remember days spent battling complacency within my spirit; I remember questions asked and answered by a God not-so-unseen, and by a daughter struggling to know who He really is. Who would have thought that one little girl, one out of six billion beautiful and unique faces, would have found herself in the middle of the United States [Misourri of all places, oh Lord Jesus what you do to me...] having a heart transplant of sorts.

I think if there’s one thing I’ve walked away with from this summer it’s the reality that life is unpredictable and true security is only found in the leadership of Jesus Christ. And thus begins the changing of times and seasons – the rearranging of what is thought to be to line up with what really is…

To begin: I’m not going to Seattle as it would happen. My heart breaks a lot over this. For those who haven’t lived in or near the northwest (or at least visited) it’s hard to describe the beauty of that region, the desperate need for God in that corner of the world. I wrestled through this for a long time, and still don’t fully understand the journey He took me on with SPU and growing my heart’s capacity to love and long for the northwest even more. I think about Portland and Seattle and everything in between and surrounding almost every day. God knows what He’s doing – that’s all I can rely on right now. There are various cirumstances regarding this decision not to go. One, financially – whilst I could live and work in Seattle – I don’t have the funds to pay for SPU. No doubt God is a provider, I’m not daunted by a high figure by any means. God has proven to me time and time again that He means what He says when He knows what I need and will provide accordingly. Throughout the past three months, however, I’ve been wrestling with something deeper than whether or not to move two thousand miles from home: I’ve been wrestling with who I am and what I was created to do.

To worship. To love and be loved by Love itself. To know His face. To sing the songs that are on His heart. This is my destiny. To be a prophetic voice amidst a wicked and depraved generation. To stand as a burning-man in the middle of a dry and weary land. To let my light shine before all men. To be consecrated – holy as He is holy. To write the very melodies of heaven. To bring forth healing. This is what I was formed and created and breathed into to do. The very make-up, the very dna of my body – every fiber within me – screams this. To know Him, and to make Him known.

I found myself asking the question over and over constantly this summer: what am I doing going to university to get a history degree for?

And so, simply put, I’m not.

Not so simply put: well, what will I do then? It’s a hard thing, to try and fit into something as trivial as a blog the last three years of my getting to know God. I’ll try and summarize. I have lacked confidence in everything He’s spoken to me for many years… but as of late the old dreams are coming alive in me again. Things I had shelved because of false humility in thinking I was “dying to self”, He has brought into His glorious light once more and showed me the validity of His word. I’m going to be a worshipper guys and gals – not just in Spirit and in Truth (predominately in those ways) but via the music I create. I’ve been praying through going to International House of Prayer’s music academy for the past two years. When the door is opened, I am going. Tentatively this means next fall. There’s a lot I can’t put into words here. It’s a delicate situation, you see? At the present I’m needed at home, and in a few months time I will be going on a journey like none I’ve ever taken before. God is so gracious, and I feel blessed beyond what I deserve in all of this. It’s weird. I don’t particularly like Texas, and yet, I am overjoyed at the fact that I’m going to be here another semester. (Though not necessarily at the circumstances that are causing this “delay” in my own plans…)

God knows what He’s doing.

I don’t like my own plans most of the time anyway.

Something hard, and entanglement of the heart: well, things ended with Nathaniel. Not badly, by any means. We are friends through and through, and I am so blessed to know him and to have spent time delving into the depths of who he is. Is this forever? I don’t know. I have no revelation on what this means for the future. For the present I know that God wants me to Himself – He wants me in a period of intense consecration to Him and Him alone. I came to terms with the fact that I hadn’t taken God seriously when He suggested a season of consecration to me a year ago. I left the Honor Academy not planning on dating for a couple years, but ended up very much taken by a certain Washingtonian whose passions align mostly with my own. God taught me a lot through the short courtship. I don’t regret it by any means. It was everything pure and noble. It’s always a hard thing to lay down something as precious as an intimate connection with a best friend. My heart is really healed though. God is really gracious. We shall see where the road leads, eh? For now I am solely His.

A few other things on my agenda include: Europe and a long-prayed through journey. For two years I’ve discounted things on my heart as impossible. My God does not work with impossible though, I’m fairly ceratin He doesn’t even know the meaning of the word as it were. There is, about 30 miles from London, a house of prayer that has been calling my name for many a month. The option of going to Amsterdam and working with a ministry there for half a year has been placed on the table before me – and in addition to that, a summer spent with intercessory missionaries in the UK has been presented before me as well. Will these things come to pass? I believe so. I was talking with my best friend and beloved “sister” Marcella tonight and explained the condition of my heart on all of this “abrupt” change. Two months ago, at the falling through of my plans, I would have been bratty and whiney and ready to throw a grown up version of a temper tantrum. A lot has changed since then.

Last night I sat outside under a starry sky and cried at the beauty of it all, at the way He is changing me and making me to look like Him. I cried not because my plans were changing, but because it was all overwhelming and beautiful and I wasn’t really sure I deserved any of it. I looked up at that great expanse and felt so near to Him and all I could say was “You’re beautiful” and everything within me meant it in that moment.

So how do I bring it all together? How do I glue the pieces together for those who don’t know my history, for those who haven’t been on the journey with me? I guess I can’t really do that. I think those with kindred hearts will feel me on this one. All I know is that He’s real and I’m taking this transition step by step. It’s been glorious, it’s been ugly. It’s been real and it’s been surreal. He remains. He really, truly remains in all of this.

What do I do now? I live. I love. I pray. I seek. I find. I keep pressing in to that One Thing that I desire.

Oh, and if I’m lucky I’ll find a few deserted woods, a couple of abandoned fields, and with reckless abandon I’ll dance before my Maker, I’ll let my spirit run free. Mmm… let it be so.

i’m free to go [as deep as i want to go.]

As I type this I’m sitting in a house in Maryland, on the outskirts of the nation’s capitol, and for the last week I’ve been running alongside the type of people I’ve only dreamed of contending, living, crying, praying, and running with. God and His sovereign provision always seems to boggle my mind, no matter how much history we’ve built together, I am always in awe of how good He truly is.

For the past month and some odd days I’ve been taking part in an internship with International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO that is focused on providing an atmosphere for young adults to be fueled by worship, prayer and good teaching – and condoning an atmosphere that places the leadership of Jesus and guidance by the Holy Spirit as first priority in ministry – in order to be sent out to accomplish the word of God spoken out in their lives. Even unto the ends of the earth…

It has been a crazy month to say the least. I feel very devoid of any good language to explain this month. It’s kind of like, when you touch the heart of God so intimately, when you see His face so closely, when you hear His voice so clearly – how does one really sum that all up in human language? This month has been hearing the voice of God, seeing the way He looks at me, watching Him provide for me in miraculous and mysterious ways. The prayer I’ve been praying for three years, (out of Psalm 86 – “unite my heart to fear Thee”), is coming to fruition in my life despite the flesh that still wages war.

It’s been a rough and beautiful journey getting here, and I know the days and years to follow will not necessarily be all sunshine and daisies… In the past seven months I’ve seen more come up against me, more taken away from me providentially, and more sin dredged up than I’d like to admit… And it’s been beautiful! Tears have abounded, and so has the laughter that follows the days of mourning; dreams have been put to death, and childhood ones have been resurrected; sin has painfully been extracted and brought into His marvelous light, and grace has poured into the wounds like a flood. Blessed is the woman who finds herself alive and in love with Yeshua in the midst of heartache and heartbreak, in the desert and upon the mountaintop, glowing in the light of His countenance and hiding in the shadow of His wings!

A month has passed and I find myself in a strange season. A year ago I attended TheCall Nashville – a solemn assembly on July 7th, 2007. This day of fasting and prayer sparked something in me – a dream that still hasn’t died and will live on into eternity. I remember hearing the voices, seeing the faces, of the passionate ones – the ones lovestruck and hungry for a Lover not of this world. God was asking me at this time to lay it all on the line, and I in turn was asking Him, “will it be worth it God?” This questions frightened me – both the answer and the fact that I found myself questions the Uncreated One as to whether or not He was really worth all the hype. Whilst my spirit knew the answer to the question my flesh was still on it’s deathbed and was striving to make a name for itself. It’s been a journey – you know – this life of following Christ and becoming like Him. One of my favorite portions of scripture is in the book of Romans. In 7 and 8 Paul talks about the battle between flesh and spirit. He alludes to this deathbed scenario I found myself in. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. But it gets better: what the flesh could not do, God did in sending His Son. He who has died is freed from sin. Oh slay me Lord that I may live…

At TheCall I remember thinking that I would really like to run with those types of “freaks” (a term of endearment if you know me) sometime in my life. I never thought it’d be this soon. In the span of a week I found myself praying about spending two weeks in DC, God confirming it, random people giving me over 700 dollars to be here, and then making the 20 hour drive on into this strange east coast haven of politics and powers and principalities. God is gracious. God is good. His favor is on my life, though I deserve nothing but a sinner’s death. Here I am. Running. Here I am running alongside freaks of all kinds, from all different countries. We pray. Every day. We stand in silent siege before the highest court in the land. We pray that the God of the universe would come and break our hearts, come and rip away pride, come and humble us, make us low, take us so so so low, let us be SLAVES to righteousness, come and strip away any selfish ambition or thought of “getting ahead” in this world. It truly is an upside down kingdom we’re running towards. All we see is the vision of the New J’lem and our Lover calling us forward; all we hear is the sound of His voice, the power of His word spoken into our hearts; all we know is that to live is Christ, to die is gain. I am blessed to be in this company of freaks.

Weird fulfillment of dreams if you ask me. It gets weirder. Here I am – in the center of American government – and all I can think about is a time three years ago when I was convinced I’d be in this place, this little District of Columbia, changing the world via the governmental route. Lo and behold, I am shifting things in the heavenlies through my prayers. I am truly ruling and reigning with Christ in this season. It doesn’t make sense to most people, why a group of college aged kids would give up their summer, raise money or give their own away to go sit in a room across from the library of congress and pray to a God mostly unseen. It just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes I have to take a step back and take it all in myself. I don’t fully understand where He has me, the importance of what I am taking part in, the grace He has poured out on me to be here.

Today this is what He told me, even as I woke up with a broken heart, even as I trekked through the day in contemplative silence, even as I cried out mercy for my nation and pushed past the bonds of flesh and walked by my spirit… He said to me, “Katy, you can go as deep as you want to go.” I can go as deep as I want to. How far will He let me go, how abandoned will He let me be? I can go as deep as I want to go. This glorious tearing of the heart – the stripping down of every crutch and vice, of anything that hinders love – this is all part of His perfect plan. I can go as deep as I want to go. I’m breaking down. Going back to the basics. In the beginning was the Word who has loved me, even as the Father loves me, since the foundations of the world – and when He was skillfully and masterfully creating my form and placing His dreams inside – and when He was hanging on that cross for the joy set before Him – and as He sits in heaven interceding even now… it was all just so I would get to this point of “hey, who is that coming up out of the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?”

Amen and amen: let it be so my God.

prayer, not pancakes.

Well friends… It is official – I have been accepted to participate in a one month internship this summer with International House of Prayer (IHOP). I am extremely excited, excited falls short I think. God is so faithful, He is so gracious. He speaks a word out and it is fulfilled. Pray for me, financial deadline is this week… due to unforeseen circumstances I don’t have the money I thought I would to pay off most of the internship. God spoke to me about all of this though, so I’m not worried. Prayers are appreciated. Feel free to ask questions about the purpose of this month, I am very excited to share what it’s all about.

May God bless and keep all of you.