joy unspeakable.

joy unspeakable is found in love unrestrained.

oh my heart feels this.
my heart is breaking within me tonight.
breaking and rejoicing.

God has asked me to lay something so precious down on the altar of sacrificial love.
not a command from him;
an invitation into further intimacy.

God my God,
i will be faithful
i trust you fully
though i want to hold on
my heart is breaking
but you make all things new.
God my God!
show me this Love
show me the depths
show me the heights
show me your face.
God my God,
i trust you
i declare that i trust you
you’ve never failed
you are good.

and that is the truth.
i do not always understand this journey,
but he’s never forsaken me in the midst of it.
oh how my heart breaks
oh how my heart rejoices
oh how i long to love as he loves.
make me strong in this sweet Papa.

joy unspeakable is found in love unrestrained.

i have decided to follow Jesus [no turning back.]

oh. my. goodness.

i feel like i just got saved again. better than that. something has struck me deep, deep in the core of who i am this night. as i was speaking with my precious Papa God this evening, he asked me “though none go with you, will you still follow me?” i was reminded of the old hymn “i have decided to follow Jesus” (one of my favs) and my heart cried out, “YES!!!!” within me. but then the question hit me over and over and over. like a freight train. in the past 1.5 years this has been the question of my life: and until tonight the answer has been no.

but tonight everything changed:
i got born again… again.

what a beautiful, beautiful man Jesus is.
what a beautiful, beautiful papa God is.
what a beautiful, beautiful best friend Holy Spirit is.

i am about to get very vulnerable here – a lot of people would give me flack for airing all of this via the internet, but hey, technology can be a wonderful thing – and i don’t ever want to keep quiet the testimony of God in my life.

i want to expound on what exactly the Lord called me into back in august of 2008, but i gotta back it up even further it seems. ok, let a sister testify… i grew up knowing about the Lord, and when i was real young, knowing and experiencing the Lord. from a young age i experienced the supernatural – angels, demons, dreams, visions – but it freaked me out because i never knew what any of it was. grew up in a pretty typical, semi-conservative, evangelical/protestant church and knew all the right answers by a young age. i’ve always been a really passionate person – easily zealous, easily angered, easily won over by love. so when i was 13, my life was in an upheaval (parents divorce, typical 13 year old hormones raging and teenage attitude developing) and so i turned to the only thing i could think of: God.

at age 14 i went on a summer long missions adventure to costa rica. i came home and fell into depression because no one really cared about, nor believed the things i experienced and saw during my time in south america. the spirit of rejection that i walked around in consumed me after that. at age 15 – in a desperate attempt to uncover more of the God i had developed a hunger for – i spent a few weeks in the ghettos of new york city on missions, and right before that, a couple weeks in mexico building houses in a small, coastal village. i got home from new york and felt emptier than ever. so i took the “easy” route and said screw it all, i’m going to do what i want.

i was SO hungry for God, but i felt so rejected by God.
i wanted relationship with him so badly, but felt like it was the one thing i couldn’t have.
all around me people were falling in love with him.
i was the black sheep – struggling with so many sins, struggling with so many evil thoughts, struggling with all this supernatural stuff i couldn’t explain.
the one who wanted him but didn’t know how to find him.

so i turned the complete opposite direction, and i ran hard after the ways of sin and death. i’m not going to talk all abstract and metaphorical here – let’s just be for real. i began to hang out with the too cool for school crowd, tried pot for the first time at 15, got drunk for the first time at 15, had my first encounter with the opposite sex at the age of 15. thus began a downward spiral of depression – i was bound by self hatred. i knew that i had tasted something good in God, but i was convinced i would never be one of the lucky ones who knew him intimately. in my time of rebellion, i had moments of desperation where i cried out to God! but the fulfillment of his time didn’t come until later.

when i was 16 i fell into one of the darkest seasons of my life.

i began to think a lot about death and what the purpose of life really was. i wanted reality, but i couldn’t find it anywhere – so i lived to party. i began to use cocaine and drink heavily – sneaking out of the house on school nights, pushing everyone away who really loved me and instead ran after other lovers. man that was a dark, dark time. i remember one night i had had so much cocaine and vicodin and other drugs, and then i came home from the party and couldn’t sleep – so i took a handful of sleeping pills (around 12 of them i think) and went to sleep. i woke up in the middle of the night, my heart beating out of my chest, and i knew i was about to die. i cried out to God in desperation, “dear God! oh save me! i’m too young to die, it’s not my time yet!!” and then i fell into a deep stupor. when i woke up i couldn’t move, the muscle relaxants in the sleeping pills had taken away all muscle power in my body. i lay there for a few hours, not being able to talk or move. i was alive, but my spirit was still so very dead. it wasn’t until a few months later that really, truly woke up to God.

in march of my junior year i went to church one night. nothing was especially spectacular about this night of youth group – just regular wednesday night bible study. but i went. i confessed everything that night. i got it all off my chest. something inside of me just couldn’t take it anymore. Holy Spirit moved upon my heart in such a way. and from that point on, i decided to follow Jesus. it wasn’t super fire-works filled, it wasn’t some emotional altar call moment, i just knew i needed Jesus lest i die.

i went to school the next day, hung out with all my pot-head friends. they invited me to a party. i told them i couldn’t do that shit (yes, my mouth still worked like that of a sailor) anymore cos i loved Jesus now. hahahah. those were the glory days.

after that moment in high school, i decided i wanted to do something different then just the normal college route… thus, teen mania, ihop, teen mania again, etc… 2006-2008 i experienced accelerated growth in the Lord. it was beautiful. i fell in love, really truly in love. such a beautiful time.

which brings me to the past 1.5 years…

in august of 2008 i was just finishing up an internship with international house of prayer (ihop) in kansas city. God brought to light so much hurt in my heart that needed healing, so many insecurities that needed breaking – and so he invited me on a journey. i was in a relationship with a wonderful man of God at the time, but i broke things off because i knew God had made it really clear he wanted me to himself in this moment. breaking that off brought to the surface a lot of relational brokenness i had not dealt with. thus began a season of mourning. i spent the better part of the next three months weeping, sometimes most of the day. it wasn’t a depression kind of weeping, just a time of deep brokenness. in october – the 21st to be exact – i shaved my head and vowed to follow God wherever he would lead me.

so we journeyed together.

in may of 2009, a lot of feelings, emotions, hurts, failures, rebellion, etc that i had suppressed in my life all came to the surface. i left the ministry (teen mania) i was serving at to seek out some healing because the pressures of leadership were making me feel like i was going insane. i knew i needed help. but i hardened my heart and fell into a depression of sorts. i analyzed my life since knowing Jesus, and the devil gained so much territory in my heart and mind because i began to be consumed by feelings of rejection and self hatred again.

when those doors opened, others did as well.

in june of that year i moved to santa cruz and entered the darkest hour of my soul at this point in my life. santa cruz, for those of you who don’t know, is one of the craziest towns ever. such a weird, weird spiritual climate – not for the faint of heart. i fell deep into depression. in the middle of this funk God did so much in my heart – he birthed in my a desperation like no other, and yet, at the same time i hardened my heart if that makes sense. one moment i would be on my face weeping before him, the next i would act as if i didn’t even know his name. i walked in utter rebellion one moment, and holy fire and desperation the next.

it was as if God was challenging me with: are you willing to count the cost?
he was saying, “am I worth it?”

for those who have got to this point in my testimony, i’ll tell you this: addiction runs in my family, and has always been a problem of mine. so, during this time of rebellion and depression, i turned to a crutch outside of God’s plan for me: alcohol. my justification: i’m 21 and it’s legal.

oh how my heart is rent writing all of this!
oh how my heart is broken in remembrance.
oh how i wish i wasn’t exposing the sin of my flesh.

i began to drink and “party” and partake in actions that do not line up with who i know God has made me to be. true, it was a short lived rebellion – but rebellion is still wicked, it’s still witchcraft, there’s no pretty way of putting it. thank God he woke me up before i dove too deep!!!!!! thank the Lord for his mercy!!!

in the fall he began speaking to me, asking me if i would follow him, if i would take up my cross and really, truly – wholeheartedly follow him. he began to remind me of the testimony he had made of my life. he spoke old prophecies over me again. he awakened me in the night hour with dreams and holy visitations. he pursued me like a jealous husband pursues the wife of his youth when she has left him for other lovers. and so i fell to my face one day and repented. i confessed my sin to a few of my dear, dear covenant sisters, and i ran to Jesus.

my heart has been FULL to the bursting with joy since that day.
but, tonight, something changed in my spirit.

God spoke to me about compromise and how distasteful it is to him.
he spoke to me about the trials to  come.
and then he asked me, “though none go with you, will you still follow?”
YES.
yes.
YES YES YES YES.
Lord you can have me, you have won me!
you have bought me with a price!
take me please, take me and don’t ever let me turn back!
to turn back at this point would mean DEATH.
i got born again tonight.
i want none but him – this world has nothing, NOTHING for me. i’ve tasted about all there is to taste of the world, and it’s disgusting and foul and a cheap imitation of the glories and riches and wealth there is with the Lord.
THOUGH NONE GO WITH ME, STILL I WILL FOLLOW.

cast me into the depths of loneliness.
bring upon me the gift of persecution.
cut me off from all i’ve known.
i don’t care, there’s no turning back at this point God.
there’s no turning back.

a dear, dear kindred heart asked me tonight, “what fuels your love for God?”
and this was my response:

what can you do when you’ve fallen flat on your face? you repent, you move on, you fall deeper in love because his grace covering you is that much deeper and more real.

and that’s what fuels my love… i realize the weight of who i have been, and then the magnificence of who he’s reshaped me to be… and i realize it’s all because he loves me the most. i’m so so so so unworthy. so re-learning many elemental truths. but there’s honest to goodness no turning back at this point. to turn back would mean death. to turn back would mean death… this is something i feel so strongly in every fiber of my being…

and that’s the honest to goodness truth.
no holding back – there, there’s the bulk of my messiness and unholiness on a platter.
i’m not good in and of myself – anything good in me is God.
any cool revelation i get is merely God.
any miracles i walk in, it’s all God.
any word that ministers to anyones spirit, it’s God.
my righteousness is like filthy rags.

God loves me the most – i’m his favorite one, the apple of his eye, and he’s not rejected me nor given up on me.

i don’t know if you guys fully understand – this is not just some cliche, praise God, hallelujah moment full of human zeal and emotion. no, this is truth. i’m the chief of sinners, but GOD LOVES ME AND EVEN LIKES ME! and to turn back at this point would mean death. do you understand that? have you felt that in your spirit yet? have you gotten to the point of realizing that to turn away would mean utter and complete destruction? i have decided to follow Jesus, no matter the cost. if God decides to kill me tomorrow, amen hallelujah. if God decides that i should be on this journey of loneliness and celibacy forever, amen hallelujah. if God asks me to go to papua new guinea and give my life to those who have never heard, amen hallelujah! i’ll do whatever he asks, just give me more of him. there’s no turning back don’t you see? it would mean death! oh beloved, do you understand?

i have decided to follow jesus, no turning back, no turning back.
yes – the cross before me, the world behind me – no turning back, no turning back.
though none go with me, still i will follow – no turning back, no turning back.

there are no reduced rates for revolution of soul.

i’ve been in a contemplative/prayerful mood all day. i feel a bit like israel in that desert place, wandering for 40 years on what was supposed to be a 2 week journey… but in all my wandering, i don’t feel like there is punishment in it – but rather a small portion of the bigger picture of my life.

i will say this much: being a nomad can very often mean loneliness.

i so seldom talk about this part of my life in an effort not to appear needy or weak – but in my weakness He is made strong. lonely doesn’t describe my life on a day-to-day basis, per se, but rather a feeling that comes up from time to time. one and a half years ago God invited me to join Him in the wilderness – a journey of discovery: discovering His heart, discovering who i was created to be. do you know what a hard thing it is to give up something or someone you care for in response to the cry of the Lover’s heart? i’m not meaning to complain, i’m just being for real – surrender to this place God has me is still a day-to-day thing for me. this sums up my life in the past 1.5 years:

it’s been the most painful, beautiful, tear filled, joy filled, miserable, lovely journey. there have been times of great revelation, times of total silence, times of apathy, of hurt, of healing, of rebellion, of sickness, of joy, of mourning, of loneliness. i think this is the testimony of all human existence (that is, if we’re honest with ourselves.)

i used to put this wall up around myself. didn’t want anyone to see the messy parts of me, for fear they would love me less, but God keeps telling me to embrace who He’s created me to be. who am i? i am a worshiper, i am a lover, i am an artist, i am emotional, i am mad (crazy) half the time, i am rooted in righteousness, i am a daughter of the loveliest Papa ever, i am a bride, i am a mother at heart.

in this moment, i am lonely. lonely for God mostly… but lonely for a running mate as well.

i’ve struggled so much with this idea of celibacy lately. i know in this season God’s calling me to lay all these dreams of a partner in life on the altar of sacrifice (oh beloved, He always always sends the fire of LOVE upon the altar of sacrifice) – what a hard thing it is to daily crucify this thing. i think i’m not so much lonely for a husband, but rather for someone who i can be on the same page with spiritually, someone who i can run alongside through the thick and the thin.

the question is, then: how far do i want to go? how abandoned to this invitation into the depths do i want to be?
ask and you shall have
seek and you shall find
knock and it will be open
oh, He is ours for the taking.

God keeps saying to me, “beloved one, i’ve given you that best friend.” i want to access His sweet, sweet Spirit minute by minute! what a beautiful best friend.

i keep thinking about a leonard ravenhill quote during this season. i’m not calling myself a prophet (though i do believe God is shaping me to prophesy in His name…) but the quote is as follows:

“Preachers make pulpits famous, prophets make prisons famous. May the Lord send us prophets; terrible men who cry out aloud and spare not, who sprinkle with woes. Men to hot to hold, to hard to be heard, to merciless to spare… Great eagles fly alone; great lions hunt alone; great souls walk alone- alone with God. Such loneliness is hard to endure, and impossible to enjoy unless God accompanied. Prophets are lone men; they walk alone, pray alone and God makes them alone… their mold is with God.” -Leonard Ravenhill

if God wants me in this lonely place i will follow. i trust Him. i know He knows what He’s doing. my only prayer through all of this is God fill me! God be near to me! God touch me! God make me a fire brand of holiness along this highway! God make me humble! God bring me to your bosom and hold me.

i simply want to know Him better.
in all of this i simply want to see His face.
i can endure loneliness for many many years if He would only let me see His face.
what color are your eyes Jesus?

i want to be that disciple, like john, who leans upon the chest of her Beloved. i want to be freed, fired and filled with the Holy Ghost. i want nearness of God more than any other thing. God grant me grace. God grant me, in this season of not being planted in one specific place, grant me grace to keep loving you more and more.

i want to see your face.
what color are your eyes?
just come close. that’s all. just come close.

hepzibah [my delight is in her.]

man.
what can i even say?
i am so loved, and better yet, liked, by an amazing King.

i’m so… overwhelmed by that knowledge.
so many times in my life i’ve given in to fear,
depression,
hurt,
anger,
loneliness -
(without knowledge – or, revelation – the people perish.)
i want to live out of the revelation of who He is and how He loves.
He’ll never leave.
He actually enjoys being near me.
He likes me even when i don’t like myself.
He wants to reveal Himself to all His kids.
He’ll never leave.
He’ll never forsake.
His word is His promise – it won’t return void.
you are a word from heaven.
He’ll never leave.

can you wrap your mind around that?
i can’t.

He says, “I’ll never leave you.”
man.

He calls us delighted in, He calls us married to Him, He calls us Beloved.
He’ll never leave.
He’ll never leave.
He’ll never love you more than He did yesterday.
He’ll never love you more than He will tomorrow.
He loves you today, and nothing you say or do can change that.

He’ll never leave.
His delight is in you.
His delight is in me.

though i’ve played the harlot, yet His heart beats for me.
though i’ve gone astray, yet His gaze is ever upon me.
though i’ve chased other lovers, yet He will never leave me.

He’ll never leave.

wowowow.
i want to live out of the overflow of that Love.

and this generation prays – like a dying man.

The Vision – by Pete Greig

So this guy comes up to me and says:
“what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”
I open my mouth and words come out like this:
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives – swap seats with the man on death row – guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

wife of harlotry.

Man. I’ve been recapping these past months/years of my life in my head lately, and I really have no set words in my head but I want to try and come up with something on here to help me process a bit more. I keep thinking about a covenant I made with God a little over a year ago. In my zeal and deep love for the Lord I shaved my head and committed to living the life of one consecrated unto my Lover. The onslaught that followed was one that has left me on my knees.

I have felt, in these past days, like a combination of Hosea’s wife of harlotry – Gomer – or like the wife forsaken in Isaiah 54. My heart has been torn. I find myself on my face, I find myself in the dust, on my knees, crying out for my Husband to come and to carry me to streams of living water. I like this place of barrenness and brokenness, because for the first time in a long time I am beginning to recognize my deep, deep need for Jesus. I cannot do this alone. I cannot survive the wilderness of life alone. I want to be like one coming out of the desert place, leaning upon the one whom loves her, the one whom she loves in return (Song of Songs 8:5).

I remember the month that preceded and the month that followed the covenant that I made with the Lord. The month before I was overcome with tears from heaven. I feel like I was getting a taste of something beyond me and it made my heart yearn for more. So I wept and I wept and I wept for the deeper things. After a week long sojourn to IHOP, I came home with the resolve in my heart to do what I knew God had been speaking to me about for over a year and a half. See, back in 2007 I began to study the Nazarite’s and began to feel a stirring in my heart for something deeper with God. I knew there HAD to be something more to Jesus then what I was tasting and seeing. This study came to a climax when I went to TheCall Nashville (07.07.07) and heard Papa Lou Engle speak for the first time! Who was this crazy man of God who rocked back and forth and spoke about, what else, but the Nazarite’s!! I had found a spiritual father who understood my language and the stirrings of my heart!

Ahaha! Those days were sweet. I remember hearing the Lord speak in that day, asking me to give Him 7 years of my life in return for joy and intimacy beyond my wildest dreams! Unfortunately for me, there were some things I was holding onto in my heart – namely, a boy and his affections. Isn’t it so silly that we ever think or imagine that we can find any sort of satisfaction or joy outside of the Lord? Sure, God blesses us and brings us into relationship and gives us good things, but in comparison all those joys are fleeting! The flowers fade, the grass withers, but God remains, and God is good and light and everything beautiful and worth seeing. In any case, in that moment – and for months that followed – I wanted to shave my head in declaration of my barrenness and covenant with the Lord, I wanted to give myself wholly to Him and to commit to those 7 years. However, I held back in my fear.

Some time passed, and I let go of the boy, but grew in affection for another. How I have passed from affection to affection in my life! In all fairness, this man loved Jesus more then most people I know – and he still loves Jesus with an increasing passion! And so I gave him bits of my heart and we began to walk together this path of life. Man, but all the while a tearing in my heart was going on. After some months of investing in this relationship, I knew what I had to do. And so it ended, and the Lord used two beautiful weeks in DC with JHOP (and Lou Engle’s crew) to help heal my heart. Only a year and some odd months had passed at that time since I had heard the call of the Lord, the call of the wild, to go deep deep deeper than I had ever gone before! I remember being in the hallway outside of JHOP (Justice House of Prayer) and talking to Jesse Engle (one of the blessed leaders God let me be under for a summer). We stood there and talked about the nation and I remember saying to him how this was a fulfillment of desires God had put in my heart for a long time, and how surreal it was that I was actually standing in this house of prayer amongst these crazy God lovers that I had so long wanted to run beside! I remember being inside of Papa Lou’s house that summer, hearing him share his heart and all the crazy things that God had done, and found myself in awe that the Lord would let me be under the leadership of this man as well. I’m not saying all of this to be like “look at how me! look at who I ran with” but rather to praise God for the fulfillment of His desires in us.

That summer cut to my heart like nothing had before then. My heart was softened to have the dreams of God stirred in me again. And so, like I said, I cut things off with the boy, began to search for God in the secret place, and committed to living wholly before Him. Oh how feeble my heart has been in the year that has followed. I’ve been weaker and felt more broken then ever before in my life. And somehow, though there’s been much pain, I feel as though this has been something that the Lord has needed to take me through. It’s almost as though He is telling me that “in this life you will have many trials” and asking me if I am willing to count the cost and trust Him through it. I will admit, I have not always trusted nor chosen Him in the midst of it. There have been nights of real pain where I’ve hardened my heart to Him. There have been moments of desperation where I’ve given in to fear and hurt and instead of running to Him I have closed my heart off and wallowed in my own misery.

But He didn’t give up on me through my pain. He didn’t and won’t give up on me. It’s in His nature to love without limit. It’s in His nature to be faithful, even when I am not.

I find myself, often these days, thinking about what He’s asked of me.
Seven years.
Could I really give Him seven years?
Not without His grace, not without His hand to guide and lift me.
My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

I don’t know what those years would hold. I don’t know how good of a lover I am to Him, probably I remind Him a lot of Israel – His beloved wife of harlotry! Haha. I know how He loves to speak tenderly to me in the desert place though, despite my shortcomings. I’ve so much to seek Him on. If I am going to give Him these years of my life I want to give them to Him in wholehearted faith, I want to give them to Him in a place of trust and devoted love. I am weak, but He is faithful. I am afraid, but His perfect love casts out fear. The question of “is it worth it” circles through my mind time and time again. But I know the answer. In His presence there is fullness of joy.

Oh God, grant me grace to love you more.
That’s all I want. Whether within the bonds of a 7 year covenant with Him or not, that’s all I want. I just want to love Him better. I want to love Him stronger. I want to love Him deeper.

Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit I will be no longer, because though I’ve played the harlot He will indeed have great compassion on me and will love me till the end.
Oh let me be found worthy of such a love.
Let me love You more my Beloved.

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha‑olam, ha‑gomel lahayavim tovot sheg’malani kol tov.

Blessed are You, LORD, our God, King of the Universe, Who bestows good things on the unworthy, and has bestowed on me every goodness

i don’t want to waste my time, living on the outside.

I don’t want to waste time in this live. Something heavy on my heart in this hour is how much time I’ve already wasted in my life, and how the hour is urgent and these days here on earth that I have are numbered.

Everything I do in these next few years is crucial.
I have to be willing to only put my hands towards things that will advance His kingdom, His glory, His goodness, His gospel.

My heart is willing.

In this hour there are three things Lord has called me to focus in on:
1. House of prayer
2. Prophetic worship
3. World missions

Papa keeps wooing me and speaking tenderly that now is a season of cultivating intimacy, of being discipled, of growing in maturity, of learning what it means to persevere and to be steadfast in all situations. A year and a half ago at IHOP a young woman prophesied over me that in this season God was going to hedge me in and keep me unto Himself for a season of intense purification and sanctification before He released me into some of the plans He had for me. Like a lover leaning upon her Beloved, coming up from the wilderness, so I am in this hour.

I’ve been having dreams again lately about the words Lord has spoken and so I’m praying and waiting and seeking and finding right now. A lot of things are stirring in me that were laying dormant… I can’t say much because I don’t want to speak before revelation comes, but I will say this: the plans Lord has are good and lovely and full of Him. It’s gonna be wild, it’s gonna be great, but most of all it’ll be full of HIM.

The hour is urgent. Jesus is coming back. I’m not going to waste time.

breaking off rejection, with a spirit of adoption.

I’ve been having all these conversations centered around justice lately. I don’t know what to say except for, “what is Your heart for justice Papa God?”

Whether or not I’ve had personal revelation of what justice and love in action look like, I can learn from the scriptures that above sacrifice, above self righteous acts of “good”, God desires the execution of justice and righteousness. (“He has told you oh man what is good…” Micah 6:8, “To do righteousness and justice is desired…” Prov. 21:3, “Is this not the fast I have required of you…” Isaiah 58, “Love does no wrong to a neighbor, love therefore is the fulfillment of the law…” Romans 13:10, and the list goes on…)

So what does justice look like?
And, how can we, as the body of Christ, participate?

I do not know the exact answers to these – I don’t feel like there’s a formulaic answer to these questions. I do know, however, that there is a very big push for social justice outside of the body of Christ, and I do know that  there’s a very humanistic feel to it all. Do I think feeding the poor is wrong? No, no no! God commands us to feed the poor. Do I think helping to end aids is wrong? NO! God tells us to take care of the destitute. Do I think that freeing sex slaves is wrong? No, for He says to loose the chains of the oppressed and free those in captivity. Do I feel that we can do all those things, with entirely wrong motives, and thus not be promoting the Kingdom of God but rather the kingdom of man? Yep. Totally.

It all comes down to this: action without intimacy is empty. It says in the bible that all of our righteousness are like filthy rags – there is none who does good, not even one. Nothing that we do without the grace of God, without the revelation of God, without CHRIST IN US (our hope of glory), without Holy Spirit leading us, is good. Everything good and lovely and pure and beautiful and worthy within us is all Him. When we took His name, when we joined with Him, we became one. We are His and He is ours. We are one. We are together. We are united. And out of that place of oneness we learn what is His heart, what He is crying out for in intercession, what He loves, what He hates.

There is none who does good, not even one.
We cannot, will not do justice apart from Him.

Intimacy. It all stems from intimacy. I want to know my Lover I want to know His heart because He is good and pure and lovely and I’ve never met anyone like Him! Out of that, out of love for Him I will know what He is thinking and feeling.

I guess I’ve been on this journey for a long while – trying to discover what justice looks like – even looking to the systems established by man to find my answers. I’ve never found any answers outside of Him. I’ve never found anything but pain outside of Him. These past 6 months have been riddled with pain. My heart was so struck and pained and burdened by this call to do justice – Papa began to break my heart for people and places I never loved before… and in my pain I began to search for the answer to all these b urdens. But my heart was hardened. I didn’t want to deal with the pain I encountered because it was too much. And so I tried to sweep things under the rug – an old habit of mine. Ever since I shaved my head last October I’ve dealt with a multitude of spirits, emotions, circumstances… But this… this tearing of the heart really opened up the floodgates of heaven into my life. It was like a blinding light was piercing my very heart – an invitation from Papa to feel what He feels, an invitation to get the disgusting things out of my heart, and let my hearts cry resonate with His. But my heart was hardened.

I’m an extremist by nature. I feel things deeply. I have high highs and low lows. When God gave me this invitation to partner with Him in the area of justice, it was one I couldn’t handle in my own strength and so I ran. See, for so long I’ve resented Papa for how He’s created me to be. I’ve resented Him for strengths and weaknesses He’s given me. So these past 6 months – instead of running after Him and joining alongside Him – I battled and wrestled with the King of Kings. One minute I was in love with Him, the next I was turning my face from Him. One minute I was crying out to Him with great joy, the next I was on my face weeping tears of great sadness and desperation. It was almost as if my whole life was unveiled before me, all the lies and sin and sickness in my heart was exposed before me. I felt the fear of the Lord, I felt a deep sadness, I felt a desperation to have Him touch me because I knew I was unworthy and I knew that if He didn’t touch me I was going to die.

I was the leper on the side of the road crying out, “Son of David, don’t pass me by!” And I was also Peter denying that I had ever met Him.

Praise God He is not like me. Praise Him He is faithful and not fickle. He met me. In my tears. In my anger. In my bitterness. In my hurt. In my joy. In my gladness. In my desperation. He met me, He touched me, He softened my heart to hear His voice again. Intimacy. He gave me a desire for INTIMACY with Him again. He made my heart come alive in a barren land again. His love drew me to Him again. I feel like I got saved all over again.

One thing God really highlighted to me during this past season is a spirit of rejection that has been following me around for a long, long time. I think that’s why one of my favorite passages in the bible comes from Romans 8 – where God says (through Paul) that we have not been given a spirit of fear leading to slavery again, but we’ve been given a spirit of adoption – as sons, by which we cry out “Abba! Father!” and the Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are indeed sons of God, and if sons heirs also.

I’m pretty sure, just from interactions I have with people day-to-day, that this spirit of rejection has been following a lot of sons and daughters around… one thing I’m also sure of: it’s not God’s intention for us to be plagued by this feeling of rejection. This is, in my opinion, one of the biggest things that hinders love, that hinders intimacy. I believe there’s so much more for me, for us, for the nations. I believe that we were meant for face to face communion with Papa God, and anything that hinders that must go. How can we hear the cries of His heart? How can we respond to Him with strongholds ruling our lives??

I’m breaking off this spirit of rejection with a spirit of adoption. He says  He’ll never leave me. He says He’ll never forsake me. He says His thoughts for me outnumber the sand on the shore.

I want to be a steward of Love.
I want to be a steward of Justice.
Above all else – I want to see His face and know Him.
Breaking off rejection.

I don’t want my heart to be hardened in this hour. I don’t want to let past wounds and hurts dictate my response to God’s cries in this hour. I want intimacy. I want unhindered love that I may hear His voice and know His face and be his hands and feet to a hurting world. Yes, all creation GROANS for the revealing of the sons of God. All creation CRIES OUT for restoration and that the Glory of God would be revealed. God that is my cry. Papa that is my hearts cry. That I would be one with You. That these hurts would be fully healed and that nothing would hinder love. I want to be like channels of water in your hand, flexible and easily moved from one path to the next. I want to be like an oak of righteousness planted firmly in your Love. I want to be free from rejection and fully aware of my status as the joy set before you, your very relation, your very daughter, the apple of your eye. I want to love what you love, do what you do, say what you’re saying.

I want to do justice
to love mercy
to walk humbly with You.

Breaking off rejection, with a spirit of adoption.

Your love never stops, it never quits chasing my soul.

One thing I’ve learned this past year is this: He never quits on us, never gives up. I’ve been stubborn and broke down, hurt and needy, and in the midst of joy and pain He’s found me every time. Every single day He’s met me, whether I’ve been stubbornly refusing Him or running to Him with open arms! What a beautiful Papa He is!

I want more of Him.
All I can say is I want more of Him.

 

His love is OVERWHELMING.
I keep thinking about a couple of Septembers ago, when I fell in love with Jesus for the first time. Those days are so sweet and precious to me. I am reminded of in Revelations where the Spirit of the Lord urges us to not forget the honeymoon days but to do the things we did when we first fell in love. I am falling back into a season of honeymoon love. This past year I’ve been sorting through emotions and have been confronted with circumstance after circumstance that have made me cry out for God with an intense desperation, and now in this time – as He promised – I will be lead up out of the wilderness, leaning upon my Beloved One, yearning for His heart with a new level of tenderness.

 

That’s all that matters.
It’s easy to get sidetracked in America.
But that’s all that matters: more love, more glory, more revival, more Jesus.

Praise God that He’s never given up on me.

Watching, waiting.

“I shall set forth somewhere, I shall make a reckless choice”
Robert Frost

Strange, strange season I find myself in. My heart is beating within me in restless anticipation, and yet my bones are determined to still themselves and wait on a voice, a whisper, a “set forth” spoken into my flesh. I feel like I’m bursting with anticipation. I’ve lived with this feeling for close to a year now – as if everything inside of me is going to explode into a million pieces of joy and journey and excitement. What. Where. When. Why? I’m a dreamer, a schemer, and everything in between. I could be perfectly contented with a book and a field to lay in, my dreams and One unseen to keep my company. All the same, I could be perfectly contented in a crowded city, seeing the sin stained walls and miserable faces – praying for redemption.

So I sit. And I wait.

The sound of my heartbeat sounds something like this: freedom, freedom, freedom. But freedom from what? Freedom from these bonds and chains that old lucifer would have me walk in? Freedom from monotony? Freedom from righteousness [may it never be]? Freedom from everything I know and can see, and freedom to walk into the unknown with confidence?

I want to step into that unknown once more. I used to get quite frustrated with my Maker – blaming Him for making me this way – a dreamer, a pilgrim, an adventurer, a pioneer. It always seemed to me that I could never sit still for long. I can remember a time I was genuinely angry at God for creating me with such a spirit to forge my own path. Why couldn’t I just go in the way of someone else? It would be so much easier. I’ve tried that, and I’ve found myself in the depths of depression, in a pit of despair (as dramatic as it sounds), to wear a face that is not my own. I’ve conformed and I’ve danced the dance that everyone thinks I should. I’ve been stretched this way and that – pulled in every direction by the opinions of those who suppose they hear the voice of God for my life. My question is then this: why is God speaking ten different things about where I should be then? No, I’m not bitter, I just want to hear His actual voice – and with my own two ears. I’m determined to have the ears of Jeremiah, of Elijah, of Moses, of Jesus. Even if He should have to blind my like Paul that I may follow Him better, so be it.

I’m dancing the dance that leads to freedom. I’m carving my own way and adventure. With Him at the helm. I’ve no desire to be anything other than a child of God, a child who sees and sings and tastes and believes and feels and is and journeys and in the midst of it all discovers One so beautiful.