so my life is a whirlwind.
that’s probably a statement i make pretty often, but it seems to be pretty true of the experience called life i’ve had thus far. ten months ago i was in california. six months ago i was in alaska. three months ago i was in texas. presently? i’m in florida. hah. i get asked a lot if i have a fear of commitment or if i’m running from something.
i don’t know how to answer that. i feel as if there is some inexplicable force within me that draws me away unto every possible crevice of this earth – pushing me onward, begging me to go and explore and discover. maybe i am just restless… i beg to differ. i used to think there was something very wrong with me – like maybe i should feel guilty or bad for traveling so much. i’ve honestly spent the last couple of years examining me heart, my motives, the biology of my mind. ‘lord, am i crazy?’ i’ve asked numerous times.
i can, with confidence, say that i am not running.
three years ago perhaps…
now, i’ve just come to accept the fact that some of us are born to adventure.
i don’t really understand the drive within me, but it doesn’t frighten me anymore. it can be a lonely existence – being on the road – but most days i am very content with myself and with the lord. contentment, i’ve learned, is not birthed out of person, place or thing… true contenment comes from peace with self and peace with god.
and so i find myself at a strange crossroads in life. i’m no longer a little girl, not quite a grown woman, and whilst identity is being shaped and formed and molded these days i find myself strangely at peace in this… not knowing.
for so long my identity has been shaped around what others thought of me, what i put my hands to, or an image of myself that i had created so as not to face who i really am. i’ve been insecure about nearly everything that makes up the fibers of who i am: my thought processes, my body, my passions, my heart, my personality. who hasn’t walked in insecurity? i came to realize this past year that my insecurities controlled me in a big way. i felt the need to validate who i was by participating in a ‘ministry’ or a non-profit or something good and moral and strong – rather than seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in god alone. i felt the need to be desired and found beautiful by the opposite sex – rather than feeling beautiful under the gaze of one who called me his own since the beginning of time. i’ve struggled with thoughts of inadequacy – alternating between eating and not eating, intense workouts and seasons of depression – all in an effort to be what the world says i should be. i’ve felt ashamed of my intense emotions, sweeping them under the rug, pretending they don’t exist, all in an effort to not be ‘abnormal’.
it’s all just one big silly game we play.
the need to be cool, the need to be liked.
why do we do the things we do?
why do we give our lives to a movement?
why do we sell our bodies to the trap of worldly idealism?
why do we hide our passions as if they are something to be feared?
i’m discovering (in this season of self discovery, hah) that just being is enough. if all i ever did for the rest of my life was love god, let him love me, and just… BE… well, that would be enough. no strings attached. i don’t have to measure up to any standard, i don’t have to sell my soul to any movement, i don’t have to buy into the lies of materialism and the american dream… i can just be. i’m a daughter of god. freedom from these false expectations, these false realities, spurs me on to love him more. it’s no longer an obligation, see? it’s like, i no longer have to play this holiness game because in the midst of my loving him, i realize, i’m never going to measure up, but he loves me anyway. he is my holiness. he is my being.
no more striving.
no more trying to earn what i already have.
no more false pretenses.
just being.
it’s enough.
i so enjoy this season.
here are some things that are true:
1. i am a passionate person – i feel things deeply, for better or for worse. this gets me in trouble often, but i love having intense emotions, it makes me feel like i’m truly alive
2. i enjoy not working for a ministry for once. (the past four years of my life have been consumed by this). i harbor no bitterness towards the ministries i’ve been apart of, i’m thankful for the time spent there, however i’m coming to realize more and more that the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed – it starts out small, and spreads like a wildfire, and always looks different than what are perceptions of good and true are. i yearn to be that wild mustard seed, free as the wind, organic and unpredictable, led wherever the spirit breathes.
3. i’ve always been slightly chubby by the worlds standards – this used to really irritate me. i used to think, ‘oh god why can’t i be thin like my sisters?’ and you know what ladies (for those ladies reading this), you’ve just gotta love the skin you’re in. praise god for curves and for creating me – and you – exactly the way he did. steward your body well, be healthy, be active, and leave the rest up to god. he knew what he was doing when he made you.
4. i think i’ll always be a nomad one way or another. maybe my journeys will increasingly become ones of the inward nature, and the outward ones will slowly decrease. pilgrimage is truly on the inside. all great sojourners must journey inward to find what they’re really looking for. if my sense of restlessness is ever quenched, i think i’ll settle in a log cabin somewhere in the mountains – walking in love and serving those around me.
5. i love this man jesus christ. he’s changed the way i do everything. though it’s tempting sometimes, i could never walk away from his way of doing things – it’s just better than anything else i’ve been offered.
yeah.
just being.
it’s enough – he’s enough – it’s really as simple as that.
