I have said this before, and I will state it again: my life is a whirlwind.

In twelve days I leave on a long awaited adventure. For the past five years I have waited and wanted and pleaded with the Lord to let me go to the nations… Now it’s coming to pass. On January 5th, 2012, I fly to Kona, Hawaii and begin a season of life with YWAM (youth with a mission) – more specifically, with Fire and Fragrance (a marriage of TheBurn/YWAM, and everything of the like!) Check it out here.

I don’t know what to expect, I honestly haven’t thought much about what’s going to transpire, because I never really imagined I’d actually get the opportunity to go and be a part of the Fire and Fragrance family.

That being said, check back for more updates as time permits/as I’m inspired. Love and blessings – and a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS – to you all.

that’s probably a statement i make pretty often, but it seems to be pretty true of the experience called life i’ve had thus far. ten months ago i was in california. six months ago i was in alaska. three months ago i was in texas. presently? i’m in florida. hah. i get asked a lot if i have a fear of commitment or if i’m running from something.

i don’t know how to answer that. i feel as if there is some inexplicable force within me that draws me away unto every possible crevice of this earth – pushing me onward, begging me to go and explore and discover. maybe i am just restless… i beg to differ. i used to think there was something very wrong with me – like maybe i should feel guilty or bad for traveling so much. i’ve honestly spent the last couple of years examining me heart, my motives, the biology of my mind. ‘lord, am i crazy?’ i’ve asked numerous times.

i can, with confidence, say that i am not running.
three years ago perhaps…
now, i’ve just come to accept the fact that some of us are born to adventure.

i don’t really understand the drive within me, but it doesn’t frighten me anymore. it can be a lonely existence – being on the road – but most days i am very content with myself and with the lord. contentment, i’ve learned, is not birthed out of person, place or thing… true contenment comes from peace with self and peace with god.

and so i find myself at a strange crossroads in life. i’m no longer a little girl, not quite a grown woman, and whilst identity is being shaped and formed and molded these days i find myself strangely at peace in this… not knowing.

for so long my identity has been shaped around what others thought of me, what i put my hands to, or an image of myself that i had created so as not to face who i really am. i’ve been insecure about nearly everything that makes up the fibers of who i am: my thought processes, my body, my passions, my heart, my personality. who hasn’t walked in insecurity? i came to realize this past year that my insecurities controlled me in a big way. i felt the need to validate who i was by participating in a ‘ministry’ or a non-profit or something good and moral and strong – rather than seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in god alone. i felt the need to be desired and found beautiful by the opposite sex – rather than feeling beautiful under the gaze of one who called me his own since the beginning of time. i’ve struggled with thoughts of inadequacy – alternating between eating and not eating, intense workouts and seasons of depression – all in an effort to be what the world says i should be. i’ve felt ashamed of my intense emotions, sweeping them under the rug, pretending they don’t exist, all in an effort to not be ‘abnormal’.

it’s all just one big silly game we play.
the need to be cool, the need to be liked.
why do we do the things we do?
why do we give our lives to a movement?
why do we sell our bodies to the trap of worldly idealism?
why do we hide our passions as if they are something to be feared?

i’m discovering (in this season of self discovery, hah) that just being is enough. if all i ever did for the rest of my life was love god, let him love me, and just… BE… well, that would be enough. no strings attached. i don’t have to measure up to any standard, i don’t have to sell my soul to any movement, i don’t have to buy into the lies of materialism and the american dream… i can just be. i’m a daughter of god. freedom from these false expectations, these false realities, spurs me on to love him more. it’s no longer an obligation, see? it’s like, i no longer have to play this holiness game because in the midst of my loving him, i realize, i’m never going to measure up, but he loves me anyway. he is my holiness. he is my being.

no more striving.
no more trying to earn what i already have.
no more false pretenses.
just being.
it’s enough.

i so enjoy this season.

here are some things that are true:
1. i am a passionate person – i feel things deeply, for better or for worse. this gets me in trouble often, but i love having intense emotions, it makes me feel like i’m truly alive
2. i enjoy not working for a ministry for once. (the past four years of my life have been consumed by this). i harbor no bitterness towards the ministries i’ve been apart of, i’m thankful for the time spent there, however i’m coming to realize more and more that the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed – it starts out small, and spreads like a wildfire, and always looks different than what are perceptions of good and true are. i yearn to be that wild mustard seed, free as the wind, organic and unpredictable, led wherever the spirit breathes.
3. i’ve always been slightly chubby by the worlds standards – this used to really irritate me. i used to think, ‘oh god why can’t i be thin like my sisters?’ and you know what ladies (for those ladies reading this), you’ve just gotta love the skin you’re in. praise god for curves and for creating me – and you – exactly the way he did. steward your body well, be healthy, be active, and leave the rest up to god. he knew what he was doing when he made you.
4. i think i’ll always be a nomad one way or another. maybe my journeys will increasingly become ones of the inward nature, and the outward ones will slowly decrease. pilgrimage is truly on the inside. all great sojourners must journey inward to find what they’re really looking for. if my sense of restlessness is ever quenched, i think i’ll settle in a log cabin somewhere in the mountains – walking in love and serving those around me.
5. i love this man jesus christ. he’s changed the way i do everything. though it’s tempting sometimes, i could never walk away from his way of doing things – it’s just better than anything else i’ve been offered.

yeah.
just being.
it’s enough – he’s enough – it’s really as simple as that.

if my heart had a cry, it would sound like that – only magnified times a thousand. i can’t really explain what i’m feeling in one or two sentences. i am wrestling right now. i think often times when people throw out terms like “wrestling” or “desert place” it’s so easy to jump to the conclusion that something is wrong in the life of the person doing the wrestling. i really, really just want to see Jesus – that’s all.

see, he’s surfacing all these old hurts and insecurities and dredging up the old to make room for the new – and it’s a beautiful process, painful at times, but mostly just exciting… exciting cos i see and feel him moving in and through me.

but right now all i want is to SEE him!
JESUS! where are you?! show me your face.

this blog doesn’t even make sense to me… i don’t know i’m writing. i just know that my prayers are only coming out as “groans and utterances” lately because i feel as though i’m all prayed out and i just need Holy Spirit to come and possess me – body, mind, spirit and soul. i don’t know what else to say. i just need him, desperately, radically, insanely…

i love Holy Spirit.
i love walking in what i was intended to walk in.
praise you Papa God.

my heart feels broken into about five hundred little pieces – but it’s a good kind of breaking. the river flows to the lowest place… the river flows to the lowest place. i feel like i’m daily humbled – and being back in texas, of all the places on this earth, feels like a big humbling experience. i keep trying to leave this place, hahaha, and God keeps sending me back. maybe you’re trying to tell me something, eh Papa??

in any case.
i feel like Lord is teaching me how to choose him above everything else right now – and it’s a brutally painful, awesome, glorious, broken journey.
for like, the hundredth time in a row (or so it seems) my heart was just shattered to pieces over something else! ah! how you love bringing me to that place of desperation time and time again don’t you sweet Papa?

i’m so glad he does it.
i’m so glad he cares enough to bring me low.

i’m so hopeful for this time of my life.
i’m rediscovering the dreams of heaven!
and i’m letting go of the things i’ve built my heart around.
i want purity of heart! i want to desire one thing!

Jesus. only him. he’s enough.

so what do these next days hold? i’m not sure entirely. going to jump on board at the house of prayer in dallas – full time intercessory missionary! those words are a long time coming. i’ve put off so many things the Spirit’s been speaking for so long out of fear and out of trying to live up to these expectations that the world loves to create. no more. i want Jesus. call me crazy, i probably am. i don’t know the logistics of how everything’s going to work out… all i know is that no longer will i live by what the world, the “church” and people at large think is appropriate. i want to be moved by the Spirit of God. i want to have faith to see Jesus’ eyes, to look him in the face and call him beautiful. i need his grace to sustain me.

a lot of people want to call me a radical.
friends, i’m not radical… i’m desperate.
i’ve seen me in my weakness, and i’ve tasted the beauty of his strength and grace… and i know he’s life.
he’s life.
he’s truth.
he’s love.
he’s enough – more than enough.

no i’m not radical, i’m just desperate… i’m just broken and needy.
thank you Beloved.
every day with you is new.

i’m so good at being alone. ha!
i’m pretty good at being passionate about God and the things of God.
but community?
relationship?

these are subjects i am just a babe in. i want the love i feel for sweet Jesus to manifest itself as love for others. i’ve been running, running, running for so long. searching for life and adventure in all these different places so that i don’t have to go deep and get messy by exposing my heart to people for too long. ouch. i am so pained by this realization. praise you Holy Spirit for revealing it!

seriously!
on a surface level i know all the right things to say.
on the surface i can love people really well.
but when it comes to the depths i haven’t been able to love well because i haven’t been able to face my own exposed heart until very recently.

God is so so so so so good.
so beautiful.
so precious.
so gracious with me!

oh how my heart breaks. i need his sweet mercy to cover me! Lord teach me to love! break down the walls around this stony heart.

ah how i’ve put some of those nearest and dearest to me through the emotional wringer because of my own shortcomings. Jesus have mercy and teach me how to love. i am so thankful for this upcoming season – one of sitting at the feet of God, one of being surrounded by men and women of God who love me just because and who aren’t afraid to walk through the ugliness in my heart with me. praise you Jesus for community! praise you Jesus for your body, your bride, your church.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” – anais nin

Lord replenish love in me. where there has been a lack of love, come and fill the void to the overflowing! where there has been hurt bring healing! where there has been death bring life! Lord replenish love in me.

- Ian McIntosh

that is the most beautiful, alluring invitation that my soul knows.
to sit, at his feet… to pour my love upon him.
i want to be in that secret place always.

in the midst of that invitation, i find my head whisked away in a thousand different directions. the past 1.5 years have led me all over this beautiful country and God has stayed true to his promise to hedge me in during this time. i used to be really frustrated with God – thinking to myself: how could he do this to me? keep me in america when he knows how much my heart yearns and weeps for the nations.

but…

there is always a purpose behind his movements.
i love america in a way i never have before.

i want to pour my life out for this nation – how i long to see revival burst forth from every corner of this great land.

so i find myself – once more – in this awkward place of moving on and waiting.
i’m currently in the northernmost corner of this country, hidden away in the interior of alaska.
it’s desolate, it’s beautiful.

Papa, what is your purpose in all of this?

in a week or so i’ll be back in the desert of north texas.
after that… ?
i want to see God’s hand in all of this transition – i know in my spirit he’s prepping me for something.
so right now i’m getting ready to leave again. to do what? to wait.

i’ve felt more broken, humbled, laid low, loved, blessed, empty, full, joy-filled [and a plethora of other emotions] this past 1.5 years than ever before. this is truly a season of song of songs 8:5.

who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?

what does the next chapter hold?
love.
deep, deep love.
unadulterated.
pure.
wild.
full.
breathtaking.
consuming.
passionate.
mature.
LOVE.

i’m ready.

*this photo reminds me of the secret place that Jesus and i hang out in. (courtesy of garrhet sampson)

oh my heart feels this.
my heart is breaking within me tonight.
breaking and rejoicing.

God has asked me to lay something so precious down on the altar of sacrificial love.
not a command from him;
an invitation into further intimacy.

God my God,
i will be faithful
i trust you fully
though i want to hold on
my heart is breaking
but you make all things new.
God my God!
show me this Love
show me the depths
show me the heights
show me your face.
God my God,
i trust you
i declare that i trust you
you’ve never failed
you are good.

and that is the truth.
i do not always understand this journey,
but he’s never forsaken me in the midst of it.
oh how my heart breaks
oh how my heart rejoices
oh how i long to love as he loves.
make me strong in this sweet Papa.

joy unspeakable is found in love unrestrained.